Not too long ago, I met, dated, got engaged and got married to my soulmate. It happened so fast that the single lady I have been all these years barely had time to say “wait…what?” Unfortunately, I had met horrible men in the past, so many of them, in fact, that when I met S, I knew at once it was different. I thought I knew how relationships usually happen, because I have been told countless of stories of how it happened for other people in my community back home. But it didn’t happen that way for me. S was not only a completely different individual, he was also from a different culture, a different race, a different nationality, and a drastically different upbringing.
I had my doubts, even while I was head over heels in love. Could this really work? He’s never even been to Asia and knows zero about my culture. I thought about all the oppositions, and the million reasons why this was a bad idea. But one fateful day, when he got down on one knee and asked me to make him the happiest man in the world, and marry him, I said yes. I went with that part of my heart that sang when I first met him, throwing caution to the wind, and dove with him into the unknown. I honestly did not know such happiness was possible. To feel so right, that comforting sense of belonging, and to be so in-sync with another person, I never imagined it was actually possible. But it is. We’re sincerely happy, just spending our days with each other. Life is so simple now, but so fulfilling. But it wasn’t an easy road or decision. It took a lot of tears, rejection and heartache to choose each other.
So, I thought I would write about the 10 things that I’ve learnt (even though there is so much more) being in an intercultural marriage. I am sure these are things people in the same situation, or people in any intercultural relationship can attest to.
1. We Eat Differently
Food is a huge part of most cultural identities. As Asian people, we eat a lot of rice. Rice is our staple, and it’s all fine and dandy for us to have meat or vegetables, but it is always completed with a bowl of rice. Even when we substitute rice out, we treat the carbohydrate item (noodles, bread) as the main. The meat and vegetable dishes complement it. In American culture, or at least S’s version of it, meat is the main. The steak, the roasted beef or fried chicken takes center stage in most meals, and the carbohydrate (rice, noodles, bread, potatoes) complements it. We eat differently. If there is no carbohydrate to the meal, I feel like I haven’t eaten, and he does the same with protein items.
2. People Will Stare
Okay, to be honest, I didn’t think that this would be a thing. I mean, America is pretty diverse, and I see groups of friends hanging out and they are of different races. But somehow, when you’re a couple, people stare. I have had so many instances in public where I had to change seats because people will not stop staring and I couldn’t bear it. It’s always so blatant too, and unnerving. But people seem truly fascinated/shocked that we’re a married couple but of different races. I don’t know how this will be in Singapore, when we do visit, but I am guessing it will be similar. I guess anything that is slightly unconventional draws attention.
3. People Will Judge
This is perhaps the most heartbreaking one. It chills my heart to hear people make really cavalier statements about interracial couples. I don’t want to talk too much about it, but I learnt that if you do something very different from what people have done over the years, you are going to be judged in the worst way possible. I have cried so many nights about this and it is still a pretty sore spot, but the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. Not everybody will understand, and it is so much harder than what I thought it would be like. There are hard choices to make along the way, and you will never be able to please everyone at the same time. So, just do you, and stay true to yourself!
4. You Will Create Your Own Culture
Our little family is already creating our own culture. When we discover a point of contention, we talk it out, and often end up creating our own solution. When he is used to A, and I am used to B, we brainstorm and create C together, something that we want to have in our family. Many times this is a combination of both cultures, and various traditions from both sides. It is fun, and it is our own. We are so excited to do this for our future children, who will clearly grow up in a unique, multi-cultural home.
5. You Will Learn So Much In Such Little Time
S learnt about Singlish, fish head curry, durian, Singapore’s history and societal issues…. pretty early on in our relationship. There is nothing like a culture crash course when you are dating/married to someone of a different culture. I learnt about football, The Patriots, grinders, the American political system, and issues surrounding freedom of speech very quickly too. We debate about everything, and topics that used to be irrelevant when we were living in our own cultural bubbles are suddenly super pertinent and we just want to learn everything as fast as we can!
6. You Will be Challenged To Push Your Boundaries
S does not like to push his boundaries. I think this is a fair statement from anyone that really knows him. He likes to stick to what he knows. I, on the other hand, LOVE pushing my boundaries. I almost intentionally go out of my way to do it, to challenge myself and what I already know (note moving to the other end of the world alone & choosing Liberia as my grad school field course). However, since we have been together, I am proud to say that even S has been truly challenged in many ways. For one, he doesn’t eat seafood, while I adore it, and so far I have gotten him to try shark & lobster, which I view as a personal accomplishment! Being in an intercultural relationship will challenge you in ways you never even imagined, it’s like opening a door to Narnia, a whole new, undiscovered world and way of life.
7. You Will Learn Tolerance & Respect
I think this is for ALL couples. In order for the relationship to work, you need to learn tolerance and respect for each other. You might not always get it, but you learn to respect it. I teach S a lot about my culture. In the Asian culture, respect for elders is pretty huge. This is apparently not really a thing here. Respect has to be earned, not given just because of someone’s age/hierarchy in society here (*mind blown* but true). But really, it’s just a different way of seeing things. Hopefully they arrive at the same destination, though I know that is not always the case. I don’t get the whole obsession with freedom of speech sometimes, and people defending ridiculous and horrible things they say with “I have the right to freedom of speech.” So we debate, and we learn, and even if we never quite agree with something, we will always be respectful of the other person’s point of view and know that our backgrounds are just so different that it is unfair to expect to hold similar views all the time.
8. You Will Laugh Together
Cue S’s face when I told him that a tradition during Lunar New Year involves families and friends getting together to toss this huge raw fish salad (yu sheng) as high as you can, usually making a huge mess in the process. Things that you used to think were perfectly normal, suddenly become the biggest jokes ever. The times we have laughed out loud together, when we hear things from the other person’s point of view! It is always important to be able to laugh at yourself, and see things from a different perspectives. It makes our relationship special and full of joyous laughter!
9. You Will Embrace The Differences
Eventually, you grow to love it. You love that you are not the same person, and have the chance to learn and share in the life of someone so different, but whom you love so dearly. The differences themselves become your inside jokes, and you can’t stop sharing the stories of your differences with people. We still laugh that we say “tomato” differently, sometimes, even though it is such a silly detail.
10. You Will Not Do It Any Other Way
If given the opportunity for a do-over, I will choose the same path again and again. I have never felt love to this extent, and the happiness and joy we gain from this relationship outweighs any challenges and pain we go through (however tough), and was well worth every bit of trouble.
Joyce Lewandowski is a lifestyle & beauty blogger at www.mrsjoyle.com, and a graduate student in International Education at SIT Graduate Institute. She is a Singaporean married to an American, and currently lives in small town New England with her husband, and their two rescue kitties. She has lived in 4 different countries, traveled to about 20 countries and is excited to expand that list. She is also passionate about intercultural understanding, Asian makeup & skincare, writing, knitting and oil painting.