The New York Times Magazine recently posed this question to the public via Twitter:
As you can see, 42 percent answered "yes." We have chosen to contact you because you are one of those 42 percent. New highly secret NSA intelligence-gathering techniques and advanced data analysis of all of your social media timelines has further enabled us to determine that you are the perfect candidate to travel back in time to the late 19th century and kill "Baby" Hitler. Congratulations!
Thanks to new technology, developed by our friends over at Apple, which allows us to manipulate the space-time continuum, we will be able to send you back to accomplish your mission, today, as soon as you finish your coffee.
The good news is you'll get the most-advanced smartwatch on the market. You wouldn't believe what this thing can do! Project high-definition movies and holograms, open locked doors, detect lies, resolve a wearer's childhood trauma with the simple push of a button, and, of course, transport you into the past to kill an infant version of the most evil fascist dictator of all time.
The bad news is you've got one shot and the battery isn't really the greatest. So unless you can figure out a way to efficiently charge it up in 1890, you've got to get in and get out, unless you're particularly fond of bratwurst, Hefeweizen and megalomaniacal, Jew-hating despots rising to power during the Great Depression.
In order to help you efficiently accomplish your mission and get back in time to watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead, we have compiled a list of 5 Tips for Killing Baby Hitler.
- Pack Light We can't even begin to tell you how many time-traveling toddler assassinations have gone awry because some schmuck decided to overpack, putting undue stress on the transportation mechanism, and causing a malfunction sending them into prehistoric times to get gored by a wooly mammoth instead of heroically stopping an egregious genocide. Seriously, we can't tell you. It's classified. The point is this isn't the TARDIS. There is no room. It's just you, so only pack what you can carry. (Also, no plastics, liquids or anything containing gluten unless you want to end up looking like that inside-out baboon from David Cronenberg's The Fly.)
Good luck!
Read More of Warren's Writing at ContraryToPopularOpinion.com.