Having kids is beautiful, difficult and, at times, hilarious—if you keep your sense of humor handy.
12 Truths of raising kids:
1. Everything is “mine” to a toddler, except the huge messes they make.
Then they just stare like it’s something they’ve never seen before.
2. Parents are destined to repeat themselves for all eternity.
Except for cuss words. Kids listen and repeat those immediately.
3. Your parenting ideals will change.
My goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.
After: Get them to put on pants.
4. The rewards and challenges are unparalleled.
My kids are the cutest, sweetest assholes I know.
5. You’re expectations will lower, especially on the weekends when all you want to do is relax.
Lower.
Lower.
Looower.
Yes. Right there.
6. You’ll continually reach new levels of parenting.
Like when I understood why my dad called my sister and me “you people.”
7. Your coffee will never be strong enough.
For instance, I received a “may your coffee be stronger than your toddler” mug as a gift and, as it turns out, it should have come with a matching flask.
8. You’ll have empathy like never before.
Sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day is knowing that, clearly, it’s harder to be 2 than a 2-year-old’s mom, judging by her tantrums.
9. And you’ll experience love like never before.
Every. Single. Day. I think about how I love my kids so, so much they can’t even fathom it and I have to get away from them for at least 5 minutes or I’ll legit go insane.
10. You’ll communicate differently with your spouse.
Like when I say “Be right back.” But I actually mean “I’ll stay in the bathroom until I get hemorrhoids or our toddler stops screaming.” You know, whichever’s first.
11. You’ll become fiercely protective.
I love my kids so much that they have no idea what circus peanuts taste like.
12. You’ll never finish a thought.
Just now, my toddler crawled into my lap and said “I love you,” so, yeah, I totally forgot my joke.