This is the seventh post in a series exploring friendship. So far, experts in a variety of fields have shared insights about empathy, men’s friendship, unhealthy connections, first impressions, the significance of friendship, and how friendship changes.Today, we’re returning for the second part of our interview with sociologist and award-winning author Dr. Jan Yager.
Transitions, destructive people, workplace friends
Sarah: People are often surprised or hurt when their friendships change over time, but most friendships do have to weather transitions. According to your research, what kinds of events should people expect might bring about some changes?
Dr.Yager: Friendshifts signifies that not only who we are friends with might change, but our very definition of friendship may shift as well. Furthermore, because of changes or shifts in our lives, our friendships may be impacted. How our friendships weather these shifts will determine which friendships last and which ones fade or end. What's important to point out, however, is that just because a friendship can't survive when there's a change.
That doesn't diminish what the friendship did offer you when you were both going through that experience together. Here are the predictable shifts we all go through that will the friendshifts factor in our lives. (I'll list these friendshifts in the typical chronological order in our lives.)
1. Moving away - whether it's to another city, state, or even country 2. Graduating or changing schools 3. Becoming a romantic couple and/or getting married 4. Having a child 5. If the friendship developed at work, one or both friends changing companies or even careers 6. Separation, divorce, or widowhood 7. Illness 8. A friend or a significant other voicing disapproval of a friend, partner, or child 9. Value disparties
Sarah: Thanks. That’s very informative. If you had to tell people 3 things they could do to become a "better" friend, what would you say?
Dr.Yager: First, make the time to communicate with your friend one-on-one whether that's in person, over the phone, through text messages, or e-mails. Second, remember your friend's birthday but do it in a special way, beyond just posting a birthday greeting on his or her Facebook timeline. And third, when your friend needs you and asks you to do something for him or her, say "yes" even if it will be a big sacrifice for you. If you absolutely have to say "no," you'd better have a really good reason and make sure you communicate that reason to your friend so there's no hard feelings.
Sarah: That’s wise advice. You've also spent some time studying the complexity of friendship--what to do when friendship goes bad. In When Friendship Hurts, you talk about the kinds of friendships which can take away from the quality of our lives. Can you give us a tip or two for how to recognize when we've made some destructive friends? And what is one thing to do about it if they have some?
Dr.Yager: In When Friendship Hurts, I provide a 10-question quiz, with an explanation about what the answers mean, entitled, "Recognizing a Darmful Friendship." I recommend readers track down that quiz.
Here's a summary that might also be useful though. One, when your friend calls, texts, or e-mails you, do you jump to pick up the phone and talk, or quickly respond back, or do you dread communicating? And two, have one or more of other friends or significant others in your life, such as your romantic partner or even your children, asked you why so-and-so is your friend or commented on negative, destructive, rude, or unacceptable behavior by this friend that is giving you reason to reevaluate this friendship?
Sarah: Ooooh. Interesting. Lastly, you have a book called Productive Relationships: 57 Strategies for Building Stronger Business Connections. Do friendships enhance the way we function in the workplace? And if so, how?
Dr.Yager: I discuss friendship at work in Productive Relationships. But I discuss work and friendship in an even more comprehensive way in Who's That Sitting at My Desk? Workship, Friendship, or Foe? and there's a chapter on work and friendship in my forthcoming book, Friendgevity: Friendship in the Age of Social Media.
Unfortunately that's not a quick and easy question to answer. Yes, research has shown that friendship at work enhances productivity BUT I have heard enough horror stories about friendship at work sabotaging a career -- a woman I interviewed for my forthcoming book, Friendgevity, shared a scary anecdote how a friend she made at work directly led to her being fired when that friend of four years shared with human resources something that was told in confidence -- so you have to be careful about friendships made at work.
In Who's That Sitting at My Desk? I discuss at length a 4th relationship that I witnessed, and advocate, based on the research I've done into friendship as well as work and work relationships. That relationship is something I call a workship -- it's more than a co-worker or acquaintance but less than a friendship. If that woman I just mentioned had a workship with her co-worker, rather than a friendship, she wouldn't have felt that she could share such a confidence but she still could have had a positive connection that would have made work more pleasant.
Also, there's a big difference between friendships that start at work and friends who work together or even for each other. If it's a pre-existing friendship that becomes a work situation, those friends may have such a tried-and-true friendship that it can withstand the added potential pressures of work-related situations. But if the friendship only started at work, and the work, and job, come first, or the friendship is still in its exploring and trust-building stages -- you may recall from my research and various books that I have found, on average, it takes three years from meeting to becoming tried-and-true friends, although of course "fast friends" happen immediately but it's the testing out during those three years that will be the proof if the friendship will last.
The stakes are very high at work and in business today. Be very careful about work or business friendships however a well-managed work friendship can be a wonderful addition to work or business. Each situation has to be assessed on its own. There is a chapter in When Friendship Hurts on work and friendship as well. There are, sadly, true life anecdotes and examples of work friendships that had very negative consequences whether the friendship was between two co-workers, with an employee, or with a boss. There are, fortunately, examples when work friendships are fabulous and positive as well.
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Keep a look out for Dr.Yager’s next book, Friendgevity: Friendship in the Age of Social Media, which is scheduled to be published on November 23rd, 2016.
Also, if you’re enjoying this content, interested readers may also choose to complete her confidential friendship survey here.
Special thanks to Dr.Yager for taking the time to share her insights with Huffington Post readers this week.
Read the next post in this series on friendship here. Or check out Truth or Dare: The Podcast That Boosts Your Social Health.