Imagine how life would be like if you could meet someone and instantly know what made them tick. Would you put in the effort to learn how to do this in order to truly be successful with anyone you meet?
Growing up, I viewed people as wanting different things out of life. However, as I got older and experienced life, I began to see that once you strip away people’s titles, money, and ego, they are all one. At the core, humans desire the same three things: to be loved, valued, and understood.
Today, we live in a self-serving culture in which people are typically only conscious about what they want and how to make themselves look the best. Due to this, we must remember to serve other people and them feel good about themselves. Based off of the law of reciprocity, when we help people feel good about themselves, they are more willing to help us in anything we may need.
I read the book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, and it hit home due to the basis being that everyone has a different way of showing and wanting to receive love. However, the trick is to figure out which way love must be expressed.
While engaging in conversation with another person, one must be conscious and actively listening to what the other individual is saying. They will more often than not provide hints to the way they like to be shown love.
For example, while speaking to the girl on a date, I noticed she was not overly enthusiastic when I complimented her nor did she care much about when I paid the bill. However, over the next four dates, I began realizing that she wanted to FaceTime and talk on the phone throughout our days apart. This is something that I do not do with other people, so I simply wanted to tell her, “Do not call me during your lunch, because I am busy.” In reality, I simply did not want to talk on the phone. As the conversations grew from a simple hello and how are you to talking for ten minutes about what was great about her day, I saw a change in her demeanor. After each call, she seemed satisfied. She had a smile on her face even though I only gave her ten minutes of my time to talk and that was all she needed to feel important.
She desired quality time from me, and I only noticed because I began to be conscious of her body language and tone of voice during those moments of conversation. Regardless of physical attractiveness, I know that she was in a relationship with me because of the way I made her , not because of what I did or said.
Make sure to always ask questions. I have realized that the more I am focused on the conversation, the more I can ask follow-up questions without forcing the conversation. One’s goal should be to ask such great follow-up questions that the person you are speaking to does not realize that they are still talking. With these questions, it is your goal to realize what makes them tick.
Focus 100% of your attention on the conversation at hand while focusing on body language and tonality, and you will succeed in knowing what makes the other person’s heart tick.
People express love differently. I love being affirmed in conversation, so when someone speaks to me and says something very specific such as, “I love your new haircut because it makes you look more stylish,” it makes my day! This compliment will make me smile, and I will likely view them in a greater light simply because they spoke my love language.
I have a friend who recently broke off her six-year relationship. When I asked her what happened, she told me “He did not appreciate me. I had to do everything around the house such as clean, take the garbage out, and he never helped!” This informed me that she desired someone who would provide her with “acts of service” as it would be described in The Five Love Languages. If the boyfriend would have taken time to reflect and become conscious of what his girlfriend wanted, then they would still be together.
People are all different. People want to be , , and . At the end of the day, we are all searching for love and stability, but in a self-serving culture, it becomes challenging to meet those demands. We must always be conscious of what the other person is thinking by asking questions, showing genuine interest, and actively focus on body language and tone of voice in order to be unforgettable.