Complacency is the Opiate of Relationships

Marriage should not be a service, a party, a ring, and a honeymoon, followed by kicking your feet up for the rest of your life. Aside from some tax breaks, marriage is a symbolic institution, yet it’s also an invitation for complacency, and complacency is the opiate of relationships.

Some signs that complacency is setting in:

• You’re communicating less.
• You’re stuck in certain relationship and parenting roles.
• You’re assuming you know how your partner feels and what he needs.
• You’re assuming you know how your partner will respond to you, so you don’t even bother saying it.
• You’re not expressing gratitude and appreciation to each other for the things that you do.
• You’re not making an effort to spend time together.

What can you do about it?

If you’re reading this and it’s resonating and making you think about the state of your relationship, you’re way ahead of the game.

Why?

Because of the shadows on the wall.

In The Republic, Plato introduced the allegory of the cave. He spoke about people that had been chained to the wall of a cave for their whole lives, only looking at the blank wall and the shadows cast upon the wall from the people moving in front of a fire that’s behind them. They started naming the shadows. The shadows became their reality. The philosophers, according to Plato, were those that freed themselves from the chains to see what existed outside the cave.

When you become complacent in your relationship, and retreat into your own head instead of engaging with your partner, you kill curiosity and suck the air and the life from what should be a living, breathing, dynamic entity.

The shadows that you see on the wall of your mind are the assumptions you make about your partner and your relationship, the false narratives you create that conform to the two-dimensional images you see. You choose to look at that wall instead of each other.

Why would you do such a thing?

Because the illusion of certainty and predictability is compelling. Donald Trump’s magical wall serves the same purpose and it is managing to seduce millions of people. He’s choosing to turn his back on the infinitely complex and nuanced reality that exists by pointing at the shadows and telling people they’re monsters.

This is what happens in relationships when you look at the wall instead of the person. You eliminate the possibility for change, exchanging feelings, thoughts and needs, disagreements, hurt and disappointment. You eliminate the possibility for growth, connection, reparation and love.

You choose the wall because the illusion of having the solution protects you from exposing yourself, being vulnerable, being hurt, misunderstood and rejected. It’s understandable why you’d want to avoid those things, but it comes at an immense cost.

So if you’re reading this and reflecting on your relationship and the ways in which you are choosing to look at the wall, that’s a monumental step. You’re choosing to unlock the chains and face the fire.

Yes, you might get burned some along the way, but that’s not gonna kill you. What will kill you is continuing to choose the wall until you lose that three-dimensional figure behind you forever.

You can choose.

You have the key.

That’s the irony of it all...

It’s your choice whether or not you remain chained to the wall, or face the world outside.

David B. Younger, Ph.D is the creator of Love After Kids, for couples that have grown apart since having children. He is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with a web-based private practice, and lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, 11 year-old son, 2 year-old daughter and 4 year-old toy poodle.

*This post was originally published on 10/5/16 on the Love After Kids blog.