I penned an article for HuffPost a few weeks ago at the onset of working with relationship specialist Lori Ann Davis. She came into my life via a mutual friend named Betsy Chasse who was in the midst of creating a television series called Radical Dating: Finding Love After 40. Betsy had thought that Lori Ann who was one of the go-to coaches in the show, would be an ideal match and guide for me through the sometimes confusing maze. Initially there was a massive sense of embarassment that I would even need such help. After all, my work is in the relationships realm, since I write, speak, counsel and coach on the topic, as well as marry couples in my role as an interfaith minister. So, what‘s wrong with this picture? It is a question that still leaves me scratching my head. After more than 18 years widowed, with short term relationships, lovers and FWBs, loving being single and longing for a partner, it felt like it was time to take a different tack. My ship of dreams was lost in a fog and this captain was uncertain how to steer it into the clear. Even now, I feel puzzled about how to turn theory into reality. Over the years, I have written numerous articles on the topic, peeling off the layers of shoulda woulda couldas from past relationships. I have faced my fierce fears. I have done EFT (tapping) on it. I have questioned why, after all of the work I have done personally, I am still on my own.
Lately, I have been listening to You Tube videos of the channelings of Abraham Hicks, which reinforces the idea that if something is not in our physical presence, we are not yet a ‘vibrational match’ for it. As vivid an imagination as I possess, when I look at the seat next to me in the car or the other side of the bed, neither are occupied full time. There have been times when I have been grateful that was so. When I have observed unhealthy relationships, I have thanked my lucky stars that I was single. When I recall some of the dynamics in previous relationships, I have turned my gaze heavenward, nodded and winked. I wonder what steps it took for others in my life to have attracted their beloved. Some seemed to have fallen into them quite unconsciously, seriously serendipitously. Others have done the work to prepare themselves.
Lori Ann has me doing the work to prepare myself.
One of the exercises involved writing the names of pivotal people in my life; some family members and some previous partners. She then asked me to list the positives and negatives of each one and then compile a separate list of what I want and what I don’t want, as a result of separating the wheat from the chaff. Nothing startling there. It tied in with my longstanding desire for a composite partner, comprised of the best qualities of many people in my life.
Another exercise came in the nick of time, as I have been in the midst of an emotional tsunami with inner rain pouring out torrentially. I had met someone a month ago who seemed on so many levels what I desire in a partner. As I moved down the ‘list’, I could sense the tumblers clicking into place one after the other. Our time together blasted my heart open and then shortly after our seemingly ‘beshert’ (Yiddish for ‘meant to be’) meeting, a complication ensued that changed everything. Without going into detail, it was one of those WTF? situations that seemed to make no sense at the time. We have remained in each other’s lives and are solid supports to each other on many fronts. There are some who would say, to close the door and move on. I don’t operate that way. With only a few exceptions, I remain friends with former lovers. Those who have no place in my life have brought with them toxic dynamics.
A few days ago, I met someone else and enjoyed his company. We too had so much in common and I felt a heart connection with him. Who knows where it will go? And THAT is where I began the monkey mind chatter that led to the gusts of wind and torrential rain. I barraged myself with thoughts, such as ‘what’s wrong with me that I have attracted unavailable men?’, ‘I can’t trust my instincts.’, I will be alone forever.’, ‘I feel inauthentic, since I teach this stuff.’ ‘If I can find the perfect parking spot each time I need one, why the heck have I not found the perfect-for-me partner?’ I created a list, per Lori Ann’s recommendation of all of the mean, critical, disparaging thoughts I used against myself to block what I say I want. Crying through it, I also wrote a counter to those invectives. Not icky sweet affirmations, but solid in- your-face-inner- critic responses. I laughed through those.
I have no trouble attracting lovers. Sex isn’t the issue. Many years ago, a colleague/friend had asked if I wanted to be the type of woman a man wants to go to bed with or wake up to. I can answer with assurance now that I want to be both, when back then, I much preferred the the former.
What made it even more distressing was that I was the wedding of a long time friend over the weekend and as much as I was over the moon happy for her, I found myself feeling wistful as I witnessed the way they looked at each other. I wondered whether anyone would look at me that way. I had a thought that I felt like a whole ‘nother species who would be perpetually single. Never thought that would be. I know many wonderful single people, Some are content with their status and some are desperate for partnership. I am in neither position at the moment...no longer content and not feeling bereft...well, okay, if I am to be honest, sometimes I do feel that way.
I hear from so many that they met their beloved when they least expected it. I have heard stories of serendipitous encounters that have people shaking their heads in amazement at the unfolding of events. I wonder what steps and turns, what decisions we each need to make to finally bring us into each other’s presence. We will look at each other and with knowing smiles will say, “Oh there you are.”