Note: I will be discussing very heavy themes such as suicide, bullying, and mental illness. Please always remember to take care of yourself and know that your mental well-being is more important than any article or television episode.
13 Reasons Why, a popular YA novel, has recently been released on Netflix as a 13-episode series. The book and show document the people in Hannah Baker's life, and the events that led up to her suicide. The show begins with her death, and through audio tapes and stories the viewer/reader uncovers the 13 reasons (or 13 people) who played a part in her demise.
I started reading the book when I was 13 or 14, and ended up putting it down for various reasons. The main reason: I didn't like the suspense, both from the author and from the protagonist, Hannah Baker. Reading it felt like a click-bait trick, like some purposely dramatic headline without much substance inside. The show fixed a lot of my other various concerns, such as Clay's role in Hannah's life and the rather unexciting character development.
I still felt the show appeared overdramatic, but not in a way I could put my finger on. I felt almost addicted to the episodes, unable to stop watching even as the hours grew later.
I finished the season, which was around 13 hours long, in a little under a week. This may be a sign that the show was just so amazing I couldn't get enough, but there was something of the cliff hanger mystery style that still annoyed me.
The other reason I didn't like the book is clear: suicide is an incredibly difficult and painful topic, and must be dealt with appropriately. The idea that a suicide can be blamed on anyone but the individual is honestly kind of disgusting to me. I would hope that everyone around would feel awful and terrible and blame themselves and try to change things without a dead girl having to explain why they should be feeling this way.
Apart from a couple of the people and events, most of the stories conveyed unintentional hurt and pain. The students did not know what Hannah was going through, and the rumors continued and Hannah suffered silently. These stories affected everyone—the only reason these questions are being asked rests inside the tapes, inside the death. Suicide is not the answer, and it should not be the reason we have these conversations.
In this way, it sensationalizes suicide. There is a particularly graphic scene towards the end depicting the act of suicide, which again was unnecessary and sensationalized. The starving artist mentality of “I’ll be appreciated more if I have a tragic ending” runs through the series. Although I dislike the idea that “suicide is for the weak”, I still shudder at depictions of suicide as a strong or rebellious move.
I have, personally, contemplated suicide. Too many times. In high school, I was suffering intense mental illness and side effects making it near impossible for me to live a normal life. I was depressed, anxious, and misdiagnosed. I kept asking myself if I was no more than a burden to myself, my family, and society.
So yes, the show hits close to home. Although my reasons for wanting my life to end were different than Hannah's, the show still felt condescending and pandering to my experience. The writing was well done, and the deeper meaning was hopefully conveyed. But it was written by adults, adults with an arguably simplistic view of what suicide means in people like Hannah. Mental illness, depression, anxiety, and other very real reasons for someone to choose death over life were barely covered.
I hope this is not the end of the conversation, but the beginning. Difficult as these conversations are to have, there is still a stigma around mental illness and suicide. The show is and was, in the end, entertainment. It was not a documentary and it was not designed to educate parents on how to speak to their children about these issues. It told us a lot about what went wrong, but not a lot for changing these issues in our high schools and in our own lives-- not a lot about the right ways to act.
Everyone has their reasons for making big decisions, be it to move across the country, to live off the grid, or yes, to commit suicide. There are little things that add up, and we cannot discount these little things. But why must it add up to such a tragic end?
I had steps that led me to recovery. I had people who came into my life who changed my point of view and allowed me to free myself of negative thoughts. I have a list of reasons why I am now in college. I have a list of reasons why I consider myself to be happy. I have a list of reasons why I am still pursuing a career path in creative writing, despite the many obstacles in my way.
The end of these lists is nothing dramatic. It is simply me, sitting and typing this at my computer, and contemplating all the people I never properly thanked for getting me to this point. My story is most dramatic in its darkest moments, but that is not somewhere I want to be.
I would rather be an average 20-something living an arguably boring life than die a beautiful disaster and tragic ending. I would rather be a mediocre success than a celebrated failure. I am happy seeing my most emotional stories today involve cramming for exams and crying into paper cups of tea. I would rather live a forgettable life than commit suicide tragically, resentfully, and unforgettably.
Choosing life may not be as dramatic. It may not be emotional or make for a good story. It may be obsessively boring or even incredibly painful, but it is the choice of the brave souls. And we brave souls deserve to live on and make our mark. We deserve to show the world we mattered not because we died, but because we lived.