No one likes conflict. More often than not, we tend to assume that conflict will lead to the end of a relationship. This assumption is so scary that many people try and avoid conflict at all costs. However, whether we like it or not, if you have ever been in an intimate relationship, you know that it is unavoidable. The truth is, engaging in conflict is not what’s going to end the relationship, but rather, avoiding it will.
So here is what you need to know about conflict: When approached the right way, CONFLICT IS HEALTHY. It’s a useful part of a relationship that can help people grow independently and together. If you can learn to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict, not only will it be less devastating when it happens, it will also lead to more positivity and strength in your relationship. When participating in healthy conflict, it can lead to more awareness and expression of one’s needs. It can create closeness, respect, and deeper understanding of each other. Conflict promotes compromise, open mindedness, growth, and connection. Lastly, conflict is almost always more than what it looks like on the surface. Searching for the deeper reasons why you are upset in a situation can be very helpful for you, as well as the relationship.
Now that you understand more about the importance of healthy conflict, the next step is to understand how to approach conflict in a healthy way. Below are 5 tips to keep in mind:
1. For starters, ask yourself what conflict looks like to you. Some may understand conflict to be yelling and screaming. Others may experience it as silence and cold shoulders. It’s important to have a sense of your style of conflict, and how to adjust so that it can be healthier and more productive.
2. Most people are in conflict when they want to get their point across. They are trying to be heard and understood. While this is important, remember that it is equally as important to hear and understand your partner’s point of view. Ask yourself if you are listening and giving your partner the same amount of respect as you are hoping to receive.
3. Pay attention to how you are speaking to your partner. It is important that you are aware if you are yelling, name calling, disrespecting, criticizing, attacking, or shaming. This is not an effective way to communicate, and will not lead to healthy results.
4. Conflict can often times become heated very quickly. This can lead to people saying things they later regret or becoming angry and aggressive. One of the most powerful things we can do in that moment is take a break from the conversation. Come back together when both individuals feel calmer. This will lead to more effective communication.
5. Remember, you and your partner are a team. Although you may not be seeing eye to eye on a specific topic, your goal is to work together to find a solution or a compromise. Reminding each other that you are arguing because you are both invested can be useful. Although painful, conflict can bring you much closer together.
Good luck!
Feel free to e-mail me for more information, questions and comments, at nataliedavidlmft@gmail.com
My private practice is located in Los Angeles, CA.