1. I'm broke.
A Facebook friend complained how her in-laws cried poverty when she asked them to pay for their grandkids' camp last summer and then announced at Thanksgiving that they just booked a cruise to Alaska. "They have money for that," she wrote irately, "but not to help their own grandchildren!" She oozed indignation, which is probably why the grandparents lied about being broke in the first place.
It's their money. This is their retirement. They worked hard for years and years and how they spend their money is their choice. It doesn't mean that they don't hope their grandkids have a great summer. It just means they have always wanted to see Alaska and now they are finally able to.
Whether it’s a request to bail the kids out of credit card debt, to help out with college or take over a car payment, few people make it through retirement without being asked to help fix a family member’s financial problems. As a result, some retirees "dial down the dialogue on their true wealth in order to politely fend off family members who struggle to manage their own finances," wrote Forbes ever-so-nicely. Put more bluntly: They lie. They lie because if retirement isn't the time to put yourself first, when exactly is that time?
2. I'm doing fine.
About 36 percent of Americans have nothing saved for retirement. They will rely on Social Security to live; 47 percent of single seniors say that 90 percent of their income comes from Social Security. Living on Social Security, with its average payment of $1,335 a month, can hardly be described as "doing fine." People say this when they don't want you to worry about them. Maybe somebody should be worrying.
Pride can be a dangerous thing. Seniors have been known to cut their medications in half to make them stretch longer or not turn on the heat to save money. With an estimated 22 percent of elderly married couples and 47 percent of unmarried seniors relying on Social Security for 90 percent of their income, some retirees feel compelled to hide the financial short-cuts they’re taking. Dangerous matters of pride can include cutting medications in half, failing to turn on the heat or air, etc.
3. I'm so busy.
Most adult children want to believe that their parents are living active, happy and fulfilling lives. They want to believe that until they want them to babysit. Then they want them to be available at the drop of a hat. Grandkids can sometimes be a handful. Most grandparents are happy to help out with the kids, but no one likes being taken for granted. It's a fine line and both sides need to be mindful of crossing it.
If it's any consolation, researchers from the Women’s Health Aging Project in Australia found that postmenopausal women who spend one day a week caring for their grandchildren have a lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s and other cognitive disorders. However, the study found, those who spend five days a week or more caring for little ones have a higher risk of developing neurodegenerative disorders.
Just know that when you hear "I'm so busy," it might have more to do with stepping on Lego pieces than playing Mah Jongg.
4. I've never had a car accident.
That may be true, but it also doesn't speak to how many accidents were caused by Mom's erratic driving. Let's face it, aging brings vision problems. By the time we hit 50, most people are reaching for reading glasses. Eventually, night-time driving starts to be disorienting. Headlights coming our way can be blinding and the changes in street illumination make it difficult to navigate. Freeways are frightening when our vision is impaired and our reflexes slower.
Statistics show that accidents increase after the age of 65, and fatal accidents are more likely after the age of 75.
Still, driving is the key to independence. It behooves adult children to do a walk around Dad's car once in awhile with an eye looking for new scratches or dents. And if it's time for "the talk," be ready to include some practical alternatives: Does Uber work in his 'hood? Should he live closer in town where he can walk to things? What public transportation is available to seniors?
5. It's just a head cold.
Head colds don't last for three months. Bruises don't appear without cause. Walking shouldn't be painful. Chest pains aren't nothing.
Some seniors are simply doctor-adverse. They adopt a "what I don't know can't hurt me" policy and just ignore symptoms. Some are just afraid of unlocking the medical Pandora's box and fear that one visit to the doctor will result in weeks of being poked and prodded in followup tests and a shelf full of prescription drugs, each with side effects that trigger more medical intervention. They'd rather just sound a little hoarse.
Respect their right. And make sure you understand and accept their views about end-of-life care. Everyone needs a written medical directive and an executor who will make sure it is honored. You can download a directive template here.
6. I don't want to be a burden.
Technically, this isn't a lie but more of a half-truth. We are programmed to want our kids to grow up and live full happy lives. To become the person who causes them worry and stress is the last thing any of us want. That said, if you can't turn to your family, who can you turn to? Older people want to know they will be loved and cared for when they no longer can fend for themselves. In an ideal world, they won't outlive their money and it will be used to provide their care. In the real world, their care is liking going to fall to family or "chosen family" -- meaning their friends. In 2015, almost 40 million adults provided care to another adult and that number is expected to rise as the population ages, reports Caregiving.org.
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