Dear America,
OMG, you’re adorable! Look at you. When England was your age we were eating badgers and disemboweling each other just to pass the time. It was all Game of Thrones without the mindfulness.
I completely recognize all the hallmarks of this stage in your life. You want to be strong, you want to frighten other countries, you want borders that are fortress walls, you don’t want boring old ladies telling you what to do.
(Sweet Jehovah you are so cute! I just want to pinch your cheeks and scream “Who’s my ickle-wickle superpower?! Who is it?!”)
Well, *sigh* I suppose you’ve gotten to that age all countries reach when you’re ready for the despot of your dreams. It’s that sweet 16 Century stage, that magical time when everything seems crazy and confused and then a fat tyrant comes along and sweeps you off your feet. For England that obese authoritarian bad boy was me, Henry VIII. And for you, it’s Donald J. Trump.
On the off-chance the comparisons aren’t obvious, let’s break it down why Trump is hot like me:
1. He’s Orange
In England we call this being ginger (as am I!). Sometimes people mistake being ginger for being completely insane and frankly that is true if you live in Scotland. But mostly ginger simply means you look like a blob of sour cream sprinkled with red hair. Oh, and you have impulse control issues.
2. He’s Obese
Okay, he’s not 350 pounds like me, but Trump does seem committed to obesity, plumping out nicely, looking more every day like a hulking orangutan who’s just received a very sudden and very large butter cream enema. And there’s nothing like a massive, hairy, brightly-coloured tyrant to scare off foreigners.
3. He’s Really Comfortable With Being God-like
Because it’s important to give peasants something big and glorious to believe in, I started my own church, which I called the Church of England. Truth is I should have called it The Religion of Tudor or Henry’s Really Fantastic Church With a Special Emphasis on Bacon but I was over-modest. Trump kept it real and called the holy shrine to himself and his values Trump University. We fat, ginger visionaries have a light inside us and all we want is to share it. And the other thing we want is to be bowed to a lot.
4. He’s Got a Way with the Ladies
Okay, not many guys can beat my record of six wives. Trump only clocks in at half that but we both definitely share a weakness for immigrant ladies (my two were from Spain and Germany). You think they’re going to be compliant and agreeable just like in the advertisements – and then haha surprise they have opinions and personalities. It’s weird. And you have to find a way to get rid of them.
5. He Speaks his Mind with Words
Like me, Trump shouts words from the eating hole in his face with impressively impulsive regularity. And they make no sense because they don’t have to. Words aren’t meant to convey facts. They’re meant to convey feelings that feel like facts. The members of my ruling council complained constantly that the opinions I held in the morning would change completely after lunch. Whatever, worms! Great men waste no time analysing the meaning of their own words. The true leader knows it’s not his job to interpret the meaning of what comes out of him – that’s the job of Rudy Giuliani.
6. He Has a Leader’s Inability to Experience Pointless Emotions
There are some feelings that are useful to the true leader. Things like confidence, aggression, and volatility. If you ever even once have felt emotions such as regret, guilt, or embarrassment, that’s God’s sweet and gentle way of letting you know you’re a peasant. Look, if I felt regret could I have married Jane Seymour 10 days after having Anne Boleyn beheaded? Could Donald Trump today ask for the support of black voters after spending months upon months energetically seeking the support of semi-literate racists? Of course not. Let me put it this way, you know that feeling of anxiety and fearful remorse that can steal over you in the darkest hours of the night? I don’t have that. Neither does Trump.
7. He Likely Doesn’t Tidy Up His Own Bum
There are certain things great leaders don’t do and don’t have time to do. My Groom of the Stool took care of all my arse-related cleaning and care. This is true. Look it up on bloody Wikipedia. And from all appearances I’d say Donald Trump is far too regal a figure to wipe his own hindquarters – again, this is Rudy Giuliani’s job.
8. He Builds Really Amazing Things
Great men build great things. I built palaces, coastal forts, and the English navy. But more than that, I built the myth that is me. And Donald Trump knows how to build to the same scale. The true leader knows that reality is simply the raw material for creating a fairy tale about yourself. You pour reality into your 3-D printer, along with some of that orange picante sauce you get at Taco Bell, add personality disorders, greed, self-aggrandizement, narcissism, delusion, and bottomless need for attention, and out the other end comes your very own Americanized, deep-fried Henry VIII.
Remember America, you’re only young once. Now is NOT the time to listen to the voices of reason. This is the time to be free, messy, mad, noisy, drunk on stupid, and a total abomination. Be the country that will cause you stomach cramps of shame a long, long, loooong time from now when you’re old and boring.
Tyrannically,
@knghnryviii