A Real Analysis Of A Fight Between Donald Trump And Pope Francis

On Thursday, Pope Francis jumped in the proverbial ring with Donald Trump, saying that the GOP presidential candidate is not a Christian if he favors building a wall at the U.S-Mexico border to keep out undocumented immigrants.

There's a tasteful way to analyze the pros and cons of each man's opinion, but expert scholars agree that that is "really f**king boring."

Instead, what if Donald Trump and Pope Francis fought? Like with fists and weapons and their wits. And of course it will all take place in the Thunderdome, because that's how real fighting works.

So, let's find out, who would win in a fight, Donald Trump or Pope Francis?

First up, Trump, the Beans From Queens, the Sour Tower, the War On Hairror!

DONALD TRUMP

Age: 69

Height: 6'2" - 6'3"

Weight: 235 - 250 pounds. He's listed various places at 250, but his doctor said he lost 15 pounds, so we'll rely on that range.

Known Ailments: Egotism. Mouth. Otherwise, Trump's doctor says he is in excellent health, and has had no major health issues.

Strengths: Trump's doctor says that his physical strength and stamina are "extraordinary," and a life of luxury has perhaps limited the wear and tear on his body.

Weaknesses: Business attire may be restricting. He will also never admit weakness, which in and of itself may be a weakness.

Preferred Weapons: Microphone, pen, mouth.

Signature Move: "The Del-UGE" - Donald Trump unleashes a flood of verbal attacks so humiliating, that so cut to the core of his opponent, they will have blood coming out of their eyes, and blood coming out of their... whatever.

...

And now, his excellency, Pope Francis, the AttackinVatican, the Funky Monk, the Deus Ex Machina from Argentina!

Pope Francis

Age: 79

Height: 5'9"

Weight: The average weight for a male his height is 190 pounds, but going a little heavier, say 220 to 230 based on appearance and because... well, what's going on under those robes?

Known Ailments: One functioning lung. Could hurt his stamina.

Strengths: His large, billowing clothing conceals his body type, the location of his vital organs as well as any weapons. Comfortable footwear. The Pope is not afraid of dying, because Heaven. He worked as a bouncer in his younger days.

Weaknesses: A life of servitude has likely increased the wear and tear on his body. He has affinity for taking pity on the weak.

Preferred Weapons: Pope staff, incense ball and chain, prayer.

Signature Move: "The Catechism Cataclysm" - Pope Francis reads from a book listing all the different reasons you're going to Hell, and then while you're dazed and pondering what you've been doing with your life, he smashes your face with said book, which is obviously very, very thick.

...

THE FIGHT

Donald Trump has a clear advantage when it comes to size, and his age probably makes him a tad quicker, especially given the Pope's limited lung capacity.

The Pope is definitely superior on the mental game with his years of prayer, meditation and study. He did work as a bouncer, so he's likely been in a few scraps before, whereas the opposite is probably true of Donald Trump.

The real imbalance lies in weapons and clothing. Pope Francis' familiarity with the long-reaching staff or incense ball and chain, plus his distracting billowy robes, make him a very difficult target to touch effectively.

So, in the battle of Donald Trump versus Pope Francis...

[dramatic reality TV tension music]

...

VERDICT

WINNER: POPE FRANCIS

This is a clear game of tortoise versus hair, brains versus brawn, and though Trump may look like the physically superior candidate, the Pope will ultimately triumph.

He will deliver well thought-out strategically placed blows, perhaps taking Trumps "Make America Great Again" hat and throwing it on the ground. And when Donald reaches for it, panicked, because his hair is exposed and vulnerable, that's when Pope Francis strikes.

NOTE: What you just read is satire.

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