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Did President Trump ALSO secretly meet with the Russians in the spring of 2016?
NBC News reports the FBI has focused its attention on an alleged meeting Donald Trump secretly held at the Mayflower Hotel with the Russian Ambassador to the US in the spring of 2016. And so, the noose is getting tighter around his Presidency. And when Attorney General Jeff Sessions got word of a tightening noose, just out of habit, he jumped up and yelled, “OK. You get the gasoline and cross. I’ll get the hoods.”
As of today, nearly more members of Trump’s inner circle are under investigation by the FBI than there are who ain’t. And it’s getting harder and harder to remember who’s an alleged traitor working for the commies… who’s just an ordinary Trump supporting dolt and who secretly thinks Kathy Griffin’s picture with Trump’s bloody head was actually kinda cool.
So, as the number of officials under investigation by the FBI, Congress and federal courts gets higher than Woody Harrelson on Ben And jerry’s Free Ice Cream day, here’s a comprehensive list so you can keep track.
#1. In addition to a new spotlight on President Trump, his personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, was sent a subpoena to turn over documents and provide testimony to the investigators in the House and Senate.
If he refuses, Cohen could be jailed. Or, face an even worse punishment: remain working for Donald Trump.
#2. We learned last week that Jared Kushner is now ALSO the subject of an FBI investigation… he too, is alleged to have held secret meetings with the Russian ambassador last spring. Kushner may have also committed treason if allegations are true that he attempted to set up a secret back channel to directly communicate with Vladimir Putin.
Reactions to this news have been mixed. The President dismissed the charges against Kushner as quote “Locker room diplomacy.” Meanwhile, NBC fired Billy Bush again. Which is kinda cruel right? because Billy Bush doesn’t work for NBC anymore.
#3. The FBI is also investigating former Trump Campaign boss, Paul Manafort, for shady financial dealings and lobbying for the Pro-Putin regime in the Ukraine. Manafort is accused of accepting 12.7 million dollars in consulting fees – an amount President Trump referred to as quote “Bronzer money.”
The FBI also alleges Manafort did not register as a foreign agent.
Plus, the FBI is looking into a 3.5 million dollar loan Manafort got from a former Trump business partner the day after he left the Trump campaign. A 3.5 million dollar loan every living creature on earth… except Paul Manafort… has described as quote “really fucking suspicious.”
#4. Former national security advisor, Mike Flynn is under multiple investigations. The Pentagon inspector general wants to know if Flynn violated military rules by accepting foreign payments from Russia and Turkey – without registering as a Foreign Agent.
Plus, the FBI has two other questions for Flynn. 1. Did he tell Russia Trump’s administration would lift Obama’s sanctions in return for help winning the election? And 2. Would he like soup OR salad with his last meal before he faces the electric chair?
#5. President Trump’s former campaign aid, Roger Stone is also being investigated by the FBI. He is accused of interfering in the US election by communicating over the internet with a Russian hacker. And with releasing those stolen naked pictures of Scarlett Johansen.
#6. Carter Page, whose secret service code name is: “Gomer Pyle. But Dumber,” is another of Trump’s former advisors, now under investigation by the FBI. In the summer of 2016, a US court OK’d wiretapping his communications when allegations surfaced he was being cultivated as a source for a Russian spy.
#7. Congressman Devin Nunes is the former leader of the House’s investigation of Trump. HOWEVER -- he is now being investigated by the House Ethics Committee for revealing to Trump team members that they themselves were picked up on legal wire taps of foreign nationals.
When Mike Flynn faces the electric chair, Devin Nunes is his plus one.
#8. NBC News has ALSO revealed that former Trump associate and press aide Boris Epshteyn has been contacted by the House Intelligence committee. They are determined to find out Epshteyn’s grandmother’s Passover kugle recipe.
I’m kidding. It’s about colluding with Russia.
Investigative committees are also interested in…
#9. US attorney general, Jeff Sessions, who was forced to recuse himself from the Trump Russia investigation after getting caught failing to report at least one meeting – and perhaps now as many as three -- with the Russian ambassador to the US.
Think we’re done? Nope. There’s MORE!
#10. THE federal election commission has been alerted to alleged illegal monies paid to White House advisor Steve Bannon – of almost 1 million dollars. Bannon has been accused of illegally coordinating activities between Trump’s campaign and a Super Pac. AND with being a sick, dangerous fuck. And yes, those are legal terms.
OK. So, there you have it. A murderer’s row of miscreants, lowlifes and villains.
Jon Hotchkiss is a 14 time Emmy nominated comedy writer and host of Be Less Stupid, which has been called “The Daily Show meets Popular Science.”