Recently, I was at a small grocery store in my neighborhood when a child caught my attention. He was about two years old, with long, curly, shimmering hair.
It wasn’t the boy’s angelic appearance that was so engaging as much as his activity. As he stood next to his mother, he gingerly picked up a jam jar from a shelf at his eye level. Slowly he shifted its weight from one hand to the other, and then placed it gently back on the shelf. The child then lifted another jar and repeated the action.
I watched, mesmerized by the care and precision with which this movement was carried out, when all of a sudden a high-pitched outcry interrupted my observation.
“Ma’am,” yelled the shop owner to the child’s mother. “Do not let your son play with the jars. They are made of glass.”
Instinctively, the mother reached down and pried the jar out of her son’s hands. With an imploring look on his face, he picked it up again. I could sense the anxiety rise as she whipped her iPhone from her purse and fumbled with it.
“Watch this,” she pleaded.
The child declined the offer.
After a terse exchange, the mother admonished her son for “behaving badly” and carried him out of the store.
I finished my own shopping, but days later I realized I still felt distressed after having witnessed this scene.
Behavior, in my experience, is the biggest bane of parenting.
From the moment I was initiated into parenthood, not only was I held accountable for my own behavior, but also for the manner in which another human being -- completely independent of myself -- conducted herself.
The baby is screaming. Is this behavior appropriate? How is this behavior responded to at home; at church; on an airplane? Is there something I can do to affect this behavior?
The toddler is handling glass jars. Is this behavior appropriate? How is this behavior responded to at the grocery store? Is there something I can do to affect this behavior?
The nine-year-old expresses a desire for a swimsuit whose style does not align with the culture of our family. Is this behavior appropriate? How is this behavior responded to in the middle of the mall? Is there something I can do to affect this behavior?
Dr. Ross Greene, author of Raising Human Beings: Creating A Collaborative Partnership With Your Child, says that kids do well if they can.
Why is it, then, that we get into situations where they don’t?
The answer, I have learned, lies in expectation. A child who does not have the skill, emotional maturity, or cognitive ability to understand what any given expectation is, simply cannot meet it.
Some children can respond to being told what the expectation is for appropriate behavior in a restaurant, supermarket, or airplane. More often than not, however, it takes months, even years, of practice and is more effective if the child is shown what is expected of him/her.
Maria Montessori said: “Do not tell them how to do it. Show them how to do it and do not say a word. If you tell them they will watch your lips move. If you show them, they will want to do it themselves.”
(As an aside, although Dr. Montessori was referring to children in this statement, it can also apply to adults.)
Aiming to mirror what I had observed at my children’s Montessori school, I started creating “presentations” to prepare my children for the behavior desired of them, at home and out in the world.
Each of these “presentations” needed reflection and preparation on my own part, before I could offer them to my children.
For example, prior to taking my child to the grocery store, here are some things I’d consider:
- The temperament of the child. One of my daughters is an absolute joy to take on errands; the other simply does not have the disposition for it. She would rather stay home with Dad while I run to the store, but occasionally, with a formulated plan, we give it a whirl.
- The culture and expectations of those who will be present in the environment. This could involve some investigation. Perhaps the tiny store down the street is run by one highly stressed-out individual, but the supermarket is friendlier, with child-sized shopping carts marked “Customer In Training.” Which would make for a more manageable outing?
- The time and climate of the day. In our home, early Saturday morning, when everyone is well-rested and fed, is the best time to make a leisurely trip to Trader Joe’s with the children. After school on a Thursday afternoon is not.
After taking these factors into account, I role play with my toddler, or strategize with my nine-year-old, what the trip to the store will look like.
Will you walk beside me or sit in the cart? Who will tick items off the shopping list? What will we do if we want to purchase an item that is not on our list? How do we envision getting ourselves and our groceries back home?
Donna Bryant Goertz, founder of Austin Montessori School and author of Children Who Are Not Yet Peaceful: Preventing Exclusion In The Early Elementary Classroom, once gave me the following invaluable advice: “As we prepare our children for social life, we take them only into those situations they are ready to handle graciously. When we see they are not ready, we leave kindly yet firmly, and try again another time.”
Human development is an extensive and messy process. As our children start to assimilate into society, it is important that we spare them the disparagement of others, be it silent or blared loudly across the aisles of a store.
We cannot control the behavior of our children, whether they are infants, toddlers, teenagers, or adults.
I am, however, working toward a solid “A” for having a meaningful level of influence.