This is the third in a series of articles I am writing about my relationship journey in working with coach Lori Ann Davis who appears in the series called Radical Dating. We embarked on this ride back in March as I was feeling ready to dive into the pool. As a life long swimmer and lifeguard in my 20’s, I can certainly traverse a pool with ease. As someone who is splashing about in the relationship waters, it seems to be a greater challenge. Sometimes I feel like I am flailing, sometimes floating, sometimes drowning. Not really wanting someone to rescue me, but also not wanting to be in the first and last modes, but rather in the middle.
Around the time this interaction began, someone wonderful came into my life who opened my heart and then complication ensued and the relationship took a different turn. I was determined not to shut my heart again, as I had in the past when things didn’t go the way I intended. This person remains a friend and there are times when I still feel as if I need to tread cautiously so as not to muddy the waters or gulp some of it and choke. We have deep conversations and bantering ones. We are supportive of each other. Even though it has only been a short period of time that we have been in each others’ lives, a bond exists. There are those who would advise me to step away so as not to confuse the Universe when what I desire is a full fledged relationship with a completely available partner. It is a hard one to contemplate since there is a heart connection and I would miss him.
A few weeks after that, I had a date with someone who was introduced to me by a friend. He seemed as if he would be a good match. We had a lovely dinner, flowing conversation. When he walked me to my car, he hugged and kissed me a few times. We agreed to get together again. There were a few back and forth messages in the next few days. I left him a voice mail message and then there was radio silence. The friend who connected us reinforced that it his M.O. I decided that this was another milestone and that added to my list of the qualities I desire in a relationship is reliability.
This past weekend I got together with a ‘heart friend’. I am avoiding the term ‘friend with benefits,’ since it seems to de-value what we share. In his presence I feel cherished, known and seen. I feel full after being with him, regardless of how much time there is between visits. I can surrender and trust that all is well, without second guessing where things are going.
I received a message this morning from another ‘sweetie’ who let me know he was thinking about me and remembering fondly one particular time we had spent together. Sometimes months or even a year go by in between face to face encounters.
Again, there may be naysayers who express that if I want a commited relationship, why would I still be spending time with lovers? My answer is that I need not limit love in whatever form it arrives.
One of the issues that came up during our Skype session was contending with abandonment thoughts. I have long believed that adults can’t be abandoned. Whether or not that is so, there are times when I sure feel that way. I think back to experiences in my life during which I would do whatever I thought it would take to either earn love or not lose it. I called it (referencing the song from A Chorus Line) What I Did For Love. The thing about it was that it wasn’t particularly satisfying even as it brought short term relief from fear and loneliness. I always wondered when the other shoe would drop or when I would need my next fix. Not a pretty picture, but true. Even writing these words gives me the willies since it peels off the mask I have worn for so long; the one that portrays confidence and invulnerability. Many years ago, I wrote something called What I Learned About Love. One of the lines was ‘love with abandon without fear of being abandoned.’ Not always easy.
There are times when I have allowed the decisions of others to dramatically impact my emotional state. Empath that I am, I have absorbed way too much and told myself that I feel too deeply. I have had to ask myself, “What are you making this mean?” I don’t want to give my power away, but sometimes it feels as if I do.
Lori Ann has been suggesting getting out of my head and analysis mode and into my heart and feelings mode. Difficult at times when I am so accustomed to taking charge and commandeering my emotions lest they hijack me. They have been known to do that. When I have stayed in my full to overflowing mind, I have gone round and round, at a dizzying pace. Lori Ann reminded me that I can’t ‘workshop my way of this,’ and put my feelings aside and that my work and writing is both a blessing and a curse. They are each means to process as well as ways to avoid being true to myself. Taking time for self nurturing and speaking to myself as I would a beloved other are keys to ‘raising my vibration’ to allow in what I want.
She had a vision of me attempting to climb a rock wall to see this person who is on his way when all that I need is a feather to move it aside. When she said that, she had no clue that I am a clown who is a faerie named Feather and that I give out feathers at my workshops and presentations.
Willing to be intentional and allow this process to flow gracefully.