Balancing in life
All children need to feel accepted and loved and that is very true for any one with autism but yet it is the autism that can make that difficult. So how do you start? Compassion. Compassion is the wish for others to not suffer. Compassion is caring and commitment.
As a parent it is very easy to get caught up in how our child is a reflection of us. When our child behaves in a negative way then our compassion often decreases. It is easy to think “Why can’t you just be normal?” but that question actually has nothing to do with the child and everything to do with how the parent feels about themself. True compassion does not change based on good or bad behavior. True compassion is based on the needs of others.
What are the needs of someone with autism? To be loved, happy, accepted, and encouraged. Those needs are not different than the needs of anyone else. So when someone is on the spectrum is it wrong to heal them? No. As long as the actions you take are towards helping them feel loved, happy, accepted, and encouraged. It’s no different than anyone else.
“My mom’s acceptance helped me excel in life” says Ron Sandison, author of A Parent's Guide to Autism: Practical Advice. Biblical Wisdom. Ron was diagnosed with autism as a child in 1982 but yet graduated from college with a Bachelors in Theology and Psychology and a Master of Divinity from Oral Roberts University with a perfect 4.0 GPA. All of those accomplishments took work and love. Ron’s mom quit her job as an art teacher and dedicated much of her time encouraging and teaching Ron how to thrive academically and socially. She started mainly by expanding Ron’s obsession with dogs, something that could have easily been judged and mocked but she accepted her son’s interests. And she was able to use that deep interest to teach and build with Ron a strong academic foundation which he needed later in life for college and graduate school.
In 1984, she also put Ron on a special diet due to his various gastrointestinal issues. “I am happy my mom cured my GI issues through a combination of special diets, vitamins, vegetables, and protein. I would never have been a star track and cross-country runner without her diet.” Ron’s mom had true compassion for her son and provided him what he truly needed, when he needed it.
Compassionate parents are essential but those with autism need to be surrounded by compassionate people who understand their needs and non-verbal autism increases that need. We’ve all had the frustrating experience of not being heard but not being able to express your own thoughts and ideas is difficult to relate to and that’s where compassion is vital. Many of those with non-verbal autism feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and misunderstood because most can comprehend everything but unfortunately they are just trapped by their body and not able to communicate in a way we understand.
Cheryl Small Jackson, a speech and language pathologist and Executive Director of The Center for Small Jewels says “Many children with motor-speech impairment feel frustrated and powerless because they are unable to organize their bodies, support systems, and muscle groups which will help them develop their VOICE.” The first and most important element of PROMPT therapy is to build a positive, warm and respectable mutual relationship which results in trust. Once there is trust then the child is willing to engage in an interactive way. The PROMPT approach “looks at each child’s strengths and weaknesses across the developmental domains of social emotional, cognitive linguistic and physical-sensory and uses their strengths to support their weaknesses. It is essential to look at the child holistically because impacting developmental change happens when all domains are addressed.” This is a very compassionate approach. Teaching someone to find their voice so they can truly express themselves is a lot easier when they feel loved, happy, accepted, and encouraged.
Sensory issues are many times dismissed as trivial or something that the person just needs to learn how to deal with but many times that just causes more suffering. Scientists have found that sensory issues can predict future chronic abdominal pain for some with autism so sensory issues are important to understand and address. Unfortunately, sensory issues can be such a persistent problem for those with autism. They don’t have to be but many times they are. It’s hard to know where to draw the line between an actual medical need and just difficult behavior. Sensory issues can make certain parts of daily living very challenging and it’s very easy to become less compassionate for someone who says they need to wear large headphones whenever they are out or need specially tinted glasses. It is easy to look and pass judgement on them. It is easy to think they should just learn to filter out noise and light, right? How hard could that be?
But sensory issues are real problems. Sonia Story, a neurodevelopmental movement educator, says “Being inherently respectful and honoring to the child with autism or any other challenge is important. As part of the training in innate rhythmic movement and reflex integration, I teach parents and professionals to “build from success”. That means we begin with what is easy, comfortable and enjoyable for the child and gradually build from there.” And since sensory issues are still a challenge for many older children Sonia approaches older children differently. She says “they usually want to know more about the movements and how they promote brain connectivity, calm and sensory maturity.” This is the perfect opportunity to bond and show compassion for an older child or adult who might be feeling anxious but curious about change. Change is not easy for anyone to make.
Recently, the Dalai Lama tweeted “Having a calm and compassionate mind enables us to use our natural intelligence more effectively.” That quote really sums up compassionately healing autism because when we look at our children with compassion we are better able to provide them with what they need. When we make therapeutic decisions for our children using a calm mind and our natural intelligence we find techniques, therapists, teachers, and doctors who help us safely and compassionately heal our children. It takes a team to heal autism. Many parents are hounded with the thought “I never did enough”. Building a team of compassionate and knowledgeable experts frees you from that prison of thought.
“Thanks to the help of my parents, teachers, coaches, and the grace of God, I am living my dream working as a professor of theology, serving in the medical field, and enjoying married life with my beautiful wife and 14 month old daughter, Makayla Marie.” Ron says. But we don’t have to wait until our children are adults to appreciate how wonderful they are. Last week I was getting ready to give a speech and I was a bit nervous. I was sitting at my desk going over my talk. My daughter turned my office chair to face her, climbed up into my lap, took my face into both her hands, looked deep into my eyes, and just slowly stroked my cheeks. In that moment I felt loved, happy, accepted, and encouraged. I have been compassionately healing her autism but in that moment my daughter had true compassion for me. I was so proud of her.
Compassionately healing autism. It’s a balancing act but the more people you have around you that believe it’s possible…the easier it is to do.