Does picking a side make you intolerant?

We have become so wishy-washy in own beliefs and opinions because we feel that is the only way not to offend others.

• Can you teach tolerance without having a set of standards by which you live by?
• If you have a strong opinion does that already make you intolerant?

The answer to both of these questions is NO!

I think we sometimes feel in order to hold true to our values we are not being tolerant. The truth is, without a set of standards, we have nothing to be tolerant about.

Your child comes to you and tells you that her best friend’s dad is a Muslim and because he wears what looks like a dress and a towel on his head some children in the playground made fun of her. She also informs you that kids tease her as well because of her beliefs.

Our children need to learn, that picking a side of any subject is essential and builds character, but they also have to learn not to judge someone who is on the other side of their opinion. Every person has the right to their own beliefs, whether in religion, how to raise their children, or lifestyles, as long as they are not harming anyone. If we truly believe in tolerance then we need to teach our child that others are allowed the same privilege. In other words, being tolerant doesn’t mean giving up having our own beliefs and/or opinions; it just means we allow others the same privilege without judgment. In fact, how can we teach our children tolerance of other people who might be different in how they think and believe if they do not have a solid hold on what they personally think and believe?

We have to let our yes's be yes and our no's be no. And we have to be accountable for what we believe and do. Not only do you have a right to an opinion, as a parent you have the right to teach your children why you believe what you believe. What you don't have a right to do is force your beliefs on them or anyone else.

So what is the best way to help our child have solid thoughts on things and yet be tolerant?

1. Teach independent thinking: I believe that answer is to allow them to think independently while still maintaining your own house rules and beliefs. More than likely your children will not agree with every house rule you have, but if you allow them to disagree with them, but still insist they follow your rules while they live at home you are teaching tolerance and values.

If you don’t allow independent thinking your child might go through a very rebellious time. If you badger or insist that they think your way, you will probably lose their respect and you risk them not wanting to come to you for advice. They will not respect your opinion because you did not respect theirs.

1. Show them how to have their own set of standards: Having your reasons established in your mind and repeating them as often as is necessary is essential if you want your children to learn how to rationalize their own set of standards to live by. They will challenge what you think and believe as often as they can. However by allowing your children to interact with you regarding this will teach them that you have your reasons and it will teach them that you do not have a set of rules just because you are the parent and can do whatever you want. Understand; asking questions is not defiance on their part. If after the discussion they decided not to make their bed, that’s defiance!

1. Let them have a different opinion: In order for this process to be effective and so your children will learn to think and process things out, you have to allow your children the right to have a difference of opinion without feeling judgment from you even at a young age. This is extremely important or they won’t express themselves to you and you will lose the best opportunity to teach tolerance. We need to be aware of what we are teaching our children and what example they see if we decide to be stubborn by not allowing them to be unique and think differently?

When our children become adults, they more than anyone should be able to expect and deserve the right to be treated as such and you no longer can expect them to live the way you have lived. What you can do is hope that they can see by your example that your way of thinking or your beliefs led to good results in your life. This hopefully will result in them being willing to learn from you and follow your example.

How to ensure your children think independently but still teach tolerance of your own house rules.

There is a fine line between a child asking questions out of inquisitiveness or asking questions out of defiance. What we have to figure out as parents are how to allow them to have a difference of opinion but still expect our house rules to be followed. And so our teaching continues on another level as now we need to teach them to have respect for authority figures.

Let’s say, for example, that your child doesn’t agree with making their bed every day. They believe that it is a waste of their time as they are going to be getting back into bed in a few hours. Your house rules are that they are to make their bed every day because you believe tidiness is a bigger lesson than time management. In all things, it is important for you to set the example, in this case by making your bed every day.

Meanwhile, learn to take the opportunities that arise throughout the days to point out examples of what you are trying to teach them. For this example: when you are expecting company, you could point out to your child that is nice to be able to leave the bedroom doors open so the company won’t see a mess.

There are 3 positive things that come out of allowing healthy discussions on subjects you might not agree on.

1. It will show them where you stand on any given subject and why you believe what you do. If it is a subject you have discussed often they will also see your steadfastness in what you believe.

1. It will help them solidify where they stand on any given subject and will teach them to understand why they believe what they do.

1. Your children can learn it is ok to be wrong as long as you are growing and trying to continue to learn. Admitting when you are wrong will teach them you are not so set in your ways that you cannot change if you have been shown something more viable. Seeing you are willing to admit when you are wrong will help solidify that when you stay solid on a subject, you are not doing so out of stubbornness, but out of confidence or belief.

When our children become adults, they more than anyone else you know should be able to expect and deserve the right to be treated as such. You no longer should expect them to live the way you have lived.

Judging those that might not agree with you, including your children, puts you in the position where you are not being tolerant, and you need to say to yourself....'judge not lest I am judged'.