“Humans aren't as good as we should be in our capacity to empathize with feelings and thoughts of others, be they humans or other animals on Earth. So maybe part of our formal education should be training in empathy. Imagine how different the world would be if, in fact, that were 'reading, writing, arithmetic, empathy.”-- Neil deGrasse Tyson
I had a great deal of confidence and enthusiasm coming out of college-- I had a big work ethic, a multitude of ideas, and I was fortunate enough to have amassed a vibrant network at such a young age. I thought I had it all figured out and was ready to hit the pavement with my first business idea.
But after some time as an entrepreneur, I did recognize a very important blind spot--I didn’t totally understand the importance of empathy.
I knew I had people skills. I mean, I care about people, I like to think that I am a good judge of talent, a firm believer in hiring to “get the right people on the bus.” And beyond that, like those around me, I consider myself a good person.
But those are all different attributes than empathy: the ability to not just care about someone, but to actually understand and share the feelings of another. People often confuse “empathy” and “sympathy” (feelings of sorrow for someone else’s misfortune)--but while both are important, they are extremely different. And come to find out, empathy plays a critical role in all elements of life--particularly in the business world.
Empathy in the Workplace
The ability to truly empathize with your colleagues is critical to being a good entrepreneur, and a more genuine, better person. Understanding and sharing what your colleagues are feeling is paramount to establishing a quality, long-lasting working relationship.
Think of the last difficult interaction you had with a colleague. They just didn’t get it for some reason and it ultimately ended in frustration or even anger on both sides.
But rather than being angry, what if you had taken a moment to truly try and determine where the interaction’s roadblock was coming from? Was it a matter of not “getting it,” or was something else going on? For example, did your colleague feel truly passionate about their perspective, and think you were minimizing its importance? Or was it something entirely different, perhaps a fight with a boyfriend or girlfriend, a sick relative, or something else about which you knew nothing?
I believe the majority of these negative conversations are driven by a lack of empathy on both sides. And as an entrepreneur, manager, and human -- empathy is a critical skill in order to foster better communications.
Empathy is hard. It’s not something you can teach yourself from reading a few articles. You will have to invest a fair amount of time in self-reflection and research in order to properly empathize with your colleagues, depending on the industry and work that you are involved in. With that caveat, here are a few suggestions to begin your path toward empathy:
Dive in and see what’s under their hood
There are an incredible number of moving parts that keep any business moving forward and you may not be particularly familiar with some of them. Are you a marketer working with a team of engineers? Take some to read up on what they are doing, or better yet, see if one of them can help you play around with some of the technologies at hand. Learning by doing is a great way to truly understand the challenges your colleagues are facing. This is true across all disciplines in the workplace.
Try to learn everyone’s “hot buttons”
An organization is made up of people, and as such we are each infallible. I know what annoys me, what frustrates me, and conversely, what I really respect and appreciate. Great. But do they know that? Likewise, do I know their challenges? This is a difficult task as no one wants to hear about their shortcomings, and they certainly don’t want to share them; some people even have issues with praise. This is going to involve direct feedback, especially if something bothers you. In giving the feedback don’t make it personal; make sure your colleague understands that it’s a specific behavior, not their entire personality, that annoys you. Likewise, you can use this as a chance to find out ways you can improve your own work style and habits.
Don’t be afraid of the uncomfortable questions
You’re in a meeting and can feel tensions rising. You have two choices here: ride it out and hope it ends soon, or take a deep breath (or maybe even two), and ask some difficult questions. Opt for the latter: “Things seem to be getting off the rails here. Let’s all take a step back. And just so I understand this, for future reference, is something bothering you?” Give them a chance to answer before suggesting something specific-- you don’t want to make any assumptions here, and it could be something entirely unrelated to what’s happening in the room. They may be taken aback by the direct question, but give them a minute to think and answer. If they won’t answer, you may have to probe further: “It’s OK, I am open to your feedback, and I’d like to better understand what you’re feeling right now. Is it _______, or something else?” Reassure them there is no wrong answer here, and that is coming from a place of kindness, not anger.
Check your ego at the door
When Quincy Jones gathered nearly 50 of the world’s most famous musicians to record the 1985 benefit single “We Are the World,” he posted a very famous sign at the studio’s entrance: “Check Your Ego at the Door.” In short, for one night, no one of these musicians was more important than any other. For example, Michael Jackson was on equal footing with the drummer in the session band.
Jones’ advice is equally relevant in the workplace-- if you can’t check your own ego, nothing else is going to work. Empathy often comes with sublimating ego, particularly if you want to guide any difficult conversations to a good place. It’s not about being right, it’s about understanding and ultimately, empathizing.
About the Author
Giuseppe Stuto is the co-founder and CEO of SmackHigh, a real time communication mobile platform for teenagers.