1) Clothes should never be uncomfortable.
Yet you have made dresses that we can't sit in without revealing our privates, pants that don't accommodate our bellies after lunch, and shoes that cause bunions and other foot problems. Why do you do that?
2) "Everyone has their own style" is just a myth you perpetrate on the innocent.
OK, I'll soften that and say maybe we all do have our own style but most of us don't actually know what it is. If you ask me, it's a distinction without a difference. We just know that we want to look good and don't have a clue how to get there. And so we turn to magazines and designers and stores to kind of teach us what we should be wearing. Instead what we get is this popular myth. Can we just say it: Style doesn't come naturally to everyone. If I have style, it's news to me. Besides, I'd much rather have brains, good health and a roof over my head than style anyway.
3) Some of you should be charged with crimes against humanity.
Corsets? Girdles? Underwire bras that leave U-shape red marks where red marks should never be? You encourage young women to starve themselves and you make older women feel frumpy. You are bullies who make people feel weird if they wear jeans with the wrong size leg opening. Am I any less a person for wearing bell bottoms than I would be in a pair of skinny jeans? I think not.
4) Nobody likes you anyway.
Sure, we pretend to like you. We thumb through clothing catalogues and read stories from Fashion Week. But we don't like you in the way we like Sally "You like me. You really really like me" Fields. Not even close. And why should we? You think we are all one size, one shape, one dimension. You pick a weird color that makes us look washed out and then tell us how everyone but us is wearing it. And then if we balk (how about those lime green outfits that you couldn't unload a few seasons ago?) you throw it back at us with that "everyone has their own style" myth thing. Privately, we curse you. Yes, we really really do.
5) You are sexist.
Men don't own uncomfortable lime-colored clothing. They aren't expected to wear heels so high that they get nosebleeds and hammertoes. If you discriminated against women like this in any other aspect of daily life, you would be fined or go to jail or be written up by HuffPost Women. But because you are the Fashion Warlords, you skate. I'm waiting for karma to right this egregious wrong.
6) You give but then you take.
Long live the Juicy Couture velour sweatpants suit. Right, that was so 10 years ago.
Earlier on Huff/Post50: