Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Okay, it's time to separate all the Halloween candy from last night. Let's call this first pile, "Things Mommy Likes."
— Next Life, NO Kids (@NextLifeNOKids) November 1, 2015
Offered my 6yo a penny for her thoughts, but she said the going rate is now $4.99 because that's what the best games cost from the app store
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) November 3, 2015
How to get a toddler to poop: Step 1: place her in bathtub. There is no step 2
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) November 2, 2015
Documentary on Parenting: Opening Credits: 10 sec Sentimental Parenting Events: 2 min End Credits: 10 sec Blooper/Outtakes: 20 yrs
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 3, 2015
If you're on the fence about parenthood, know that my 2 yr old has already told me "no" 2,743 times today - it's 9:00 a.m.
— Sara (@smilely_gal) November 5, 2015
My 8 yr old just told me "YOLO"... That's it. I'm done.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) November 5, 2015
Parenting is 50% proudly boasting "he gets that from me!" and 50% side eyeing your spouse and grumbling "he doesn't get that from me."
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 4, 2015
Raising your 1st child: "Ooh look he found his hand! He smiled! He breathes so cute!" Raising your 3rd child: "Where'd you put the baby?"
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) November 5, 2015
Log Entry: Wine supply depleted. Candy dwindling. Must don real clothes and exit base. Human interaction likely. Morale low. Prognosis grim.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) November 5, 2015
You know that confused feeling you get when your child tries to explain Minecraft? That's how I feel about parenting.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 4, 2015
Don't sweat the small stuff. Unless it's a 4yo caught walking around your house with an open container of grape juice.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) November 4, 2015
Just had to say "we don't craft during breakfast on a school day" in case you're wondering how my morning is going.
— The Dose of Reality (@TheDoseTweets) November 6, 2015
WAHD bought the chocolate Reese spread to try it "just once". We told the boys it's duck liver paté... ya know... to save them.
— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) November 2, 2015
I love it when my kids say those words I long to hear, the ones that melt my heart and touch my soul. Mom, there's no homework tonight.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) November 2, 2015
I'm home alone with the Halloween candy. This is not going to end well.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) November 2, 2015
Frodo's journey to Mt. Doom, our trek to school in the morning, same difference.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) November 5, 2015
When you're almost out of bread and try to trick your kid by facing the heel end to the inside of the sandwich.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 5, 2015
That magical hour when kids are asleep and parents can get to their Halloween candy unimpeded
— Christina Anderson (@Xtina_Anderson) November 1, 2015
I made it up past 9:30 last night like some kind of rambunctious college kid.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) November 3, 2015
6: Dad I got perfect on my math quiz Me: Great! How many did you get right? 6: 40 out of 30 M: 6: M: And you say this was a *math* quiz?
— Say You, Say Meh (@TheAlexNevil) November 3, 2015
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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