Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Don't ask me if I've seen a new movie. I have four little girls. If there wasn't a singing princess in it, the answer is no.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2016
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic ME: *covers face with hands* BABY BOSS: oh guess he's out for lunch. I'll talk to him later
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 12, 2016
I didn't win the PowerBall, but my kids let me sleep until 8am, which is basically the same thing.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 10, 2016
If you enjoy the sound a speaker makes when it's too close to a microphone, then having children might be for you.
— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) January 13, 2016
To those people thinking of having kids, I'd say: Think again.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) January 13, 2016
80% of parenting is running out of the bathroom with your pants around your ankles yelling, "Don't climb on that!"
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) January 11, 2016
Kid 1 crawls: baby book, FB, 2k pics Kid 2: 3 pics Kid 3: *crawls across house, grabs keys & drives off into the night while I'm on phone
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 14, 2016
"Put all the weapons away and clean up any mess or blood you spilled in the basement." - How I let the kids know their playdate is over
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) January 13, 2016
The falling temperature is inversely proportional to the amount of time it takes my kids to walk from the door to the car.
— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) January 13, 2016
Me: [Holding two identical things] 3yo: That one. NO! That one. NO! That one. [repeat 10,000 times] 5yo: No fair. He got the good one.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 11, 2016
My kids' coughs are at their most dramatic & severe the second I ask them how they're feeling before leaving for school. It's Awards Season.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) January 12, 2016
If my kid asks you what you're dressing up as for Valentine's Day just go with it ok? It's been a long day.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 11, 2016
Becoming a parent is like being at a great party & then someone puts a blindfold on u & starts swinging the bat at u instead of the piñata
— Toulouse and Tonic (@toulouseNtonic) January 14, 2016
Kids: Yay!!! A Snow Day. Parents: Shit.... a snow day.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) January 12, 2016
"The sooner they learn to drive, the sooner they can drive me around!" I shout as I teach one 6yo to steer and the other to work the pedals.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) January 13, 2016
If you build it, they will come just like if my kids touch it, it will be destroyed.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) January 12, 2016
The school just called. Instead of picking up I googled BEST CRIMINAL DEFENSE STRATEGIES FOR 6-YR-OLDS. Now I'm prepared for the voicemail.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) January 13, 2016
So nice of my 3yo to crawl into bed at 6:15 so she could kick me in the back and fart on me. #mondays
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) January 11, 2016
My phone autocorrected "trainwreck" to "trainwreck mom" & now I need to find out which child is responsible for this.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 15, 2016
My 4 yr old son told me I look cute in my shirt. So of course I let him eat fruit snacks for breakfast. It was a win win for both of us.
— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) January 14, 2016
Me: What's some good advice for kids? 3y/o: Don't eat paper. Me: No? 3y/o: It makes you throw up. Feel free to add to your parenting manual
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) January 15, 2016
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I highly recommend having a 14yo around if you enjoy having everything you say met with, "UGHHHHH."
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) January 14, 2016
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