Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Before kids: "Oh I don't drink coffee"
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 16, 2016
1 kid: "I'll have one cup, lots of cream & sugar"
2 kids: "THE WHOLE POT BLACK YES I KNOW IT'S HOT"
If you don't want your kid to be late for camp because "the cat isn't being nice to him" then I suggest taking a pass on parenthood.
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 15, 2016
I've worn the same thing to work every day this week: spit up on my shirt.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 17, 2016
Whenever I want two hours by myself, I hand my toddler a pair of socks and ask her to put them on.
— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) June 17, 2016
Applying make-up -
— Sara (@smilely_gal) June 15, 2016
Toddler: "Ooh. You look like a tiger mama"
Really re-thinking this new blush.
Reached that level of dad where I bribe my kids for hugs by offering to carry their school bags.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 14, 2016
What's the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
— Manda LikeCatsOK? (@Manda_like_wine) June 9, 2016
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 17, 2016
That was easy.
"Don't practice boxing in the bath tub."
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) June 17, 2016
::My son proceeds to practice karate instead.::
Kids arguing over foolishness... I start a low steady scream like the emergency broadcast system. They stop and bust out laughing. Mom wins.
— SocaMom® (@SocaMomDC) June 16, 2016
7: I'm not gonna say what we got you for Father's Day but it's tickets to a baseball game
— I Was A Fool For Meh (@TheAlexNevil) June 15, 2016
M: You just told me
7: No I said I'm not gonna say
4- Mom I literally just made the biggest mess. You have GOT to come see it. You're gonna be so mad.
— Court (@Discourt) June 17, 2016
Me- Um. No thanks. *drinks wine*
Last day of school, and I'm hosting a pool party for all the kids at my house, in case you were wondering how poor of a decision maker I am.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 16, 2016
Most inventors are smart, but not the person who invented homework. They are the worst of all the inventors.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) June 15, 2016
-My 7yo
It would be super helpful if kids could grasp the social cue of a shush. Or literally any social cue ever.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) June 15, 2016
This Father's Day, be sure to thank your dad for secretly allowing you to do all that fun, dangerous stuff your mom wouldn't let you do.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 15, 2016
Is there anyone more drunk with power than a 7yo boy at the concession stand at his sister's softball game with $5 in his pocket?
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 17, 2016
"If I'm done with it, throw it on the floor."
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) June 16, 2016
- Toddler Logic
When you wake up at 5:00 am and can't go back to sleep and your kids are still asleep at 8:00...
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) June 15, 2016
I don't care what my family gets me for Father's Day as long as they don't waste $7 on a gift bag and tissue paper to put it in.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 17, 2016
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