Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Becoming a parent means spending the rest of your life looking like you are in desperate need of a shower, a nap, and a heavy drink.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 29, 2016
"We get an extra hour of sleep this weekend!!"
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) November 3, 2016
Parents: pic.twitter.com/bf7JCPIWNZ
How stressed are you on a scale of one to parent of a kid who can now reach counter tops?
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) November 2, 2016
My 6yo made a list of her favorite things & I'm on it!
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) November 3, 2016
I'm after Chuck E Cheese but I'm before mac n cheese so I'm still calling it a win.
That moment when a receptionist asks for your *second* child's DOB and you panic like it's the AP calculus test all over again. pic.twitter.com/W3VL1ZSpi2
— Farah Miller (@farahlearned) November 2, 2016
Welcome to parenthood, during which, "You have lost all unchaperoned soap use privileges until further notice" is a thing you will say.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 31, 2016
Hardest part of Halloween was telling my kids they couldn't have a piece of candy before bed without them noticing the Skittles in my mouth.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 1, 2016
*Gets in shower while kids are sleeping*
— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) November 4, 2016
2 mins later, kids bust thru the door w/ harmonicas: "We turned ALL the lights on, everywhere."
My 7-year-old son has been doing a purposeful and unprompted Chevy Chase slapstick routine for almost 10 minutes. I could not be more proud.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) October 30, 2016
Me, 5pm Fri night: "I love my husband & kids- so happy we're all home together this weekend!"
— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 30, 2016
Me, 6pm Sun night: pic.twitter.com/WFsWEhrmbm
Questions like, "Do you know what a wedgie is?" just prove that my kids have no idea I was young once.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) November 4, 2016
My thoughts and prayers go out to all the teachers who are trying to teach kids the day after Halloween. May the force be with you.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) November 1, 2016
8am:
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 1, 2016
Lord, grant me the strength not eat my sons' candy today
3pm:
Lord, grant me the speed to replace my sons' candy before they get home
I make my kids put their candy one communal bowl.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2016
I don’t care if they share with each other.
I just want it to be easier for me to steal.
Me: I guess we should probably put the Halloween decorations away.
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) November 3, 2016
5yo: Why?
Me: Good point.
As my son picked through his Halloween candy, he asked, "When can we go get a Christmas tree?"
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 1, 2016
Have kids. It's fun.
If the Dad Olympics had an event for styling a 3yo girl's hair while she runs across the room screaming, I'd like my chances to get a medal.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) November 1, 2016
[picking up son's friend for carpool]
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 4, 2016
Son: Please don't embarrass me.
Me: I won't.
[2 min later]
*Whitney Houston comes on radio*
Me: pic.twitter.com/vusZUOCoLT
A Mom Club with the motto: "We're sick of having so much responsibility around the house--but, also, you're doing that wrong."
— Jennifer White (@yenniwhite) November 3, 2016
My teen sent my call directly to voicemail on the phone she used to have.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) November 1, 2016
My wife and daughter have been out of town this week and I've never felt more productive. I've successfully binged watched ALL of Netflix.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) October 28, 2016