Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
You know you're a parent when you can recite the exact day, month & year you last got a good night's sleep.
— Cupcakes & Wine (@cupcakes_wine) March 19, 2017
Bean: Mom! I'm using the BATHROOM! Can I have some privacy?!
— dara tafakari (@TrulyTafakari) March 23, 2017
Also Bean (flings opens bathroom door): Hey Mom, are you using the bathroom? 😑
My 7yo told me she was going to run away from home like it was a threat.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 23, 2017
My mama said there'd be days like this, but she neglected to mention there'd be days like weeks.
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) March 21, 2017
The first time I found something my kid would eat, he finished my dessert, so he can go ahead and stay picky.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) March 22, 2017
If you've never said, "What's the magic word?" through gritted teeth while screaming on the inside, you must not be a parent.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) March 21, 2017
I'd love to have a conversation with my husband but babysitters are so expensive these days.
— Missy (@MamaFizzles) March 22, 2017
My 5yo insisted that he would tie his own shoes to go to school today so I called the school and told them we should be there by June.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 20, 2017
Parents are equal parts "My kids give me life" and "I just need everyone to leave me the hell alone."
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 21, 2017
I need my kids to understand that the answer to "Daddy, wanna smell my finger?" will always be a solid no.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 24, 2017
Of all the lies I tell my kids, "I can see it from here" is my favorite.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) March 21, 2017
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 22, 2017
Oh good, my kids found another 30-second clip on YouTube to obsess over.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 23, 2017
60% of parenting after dinner is your kids using you as a chair
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 24, 2017
I've never vacationed alone but I did get to go to the grocery store without my kids one time.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 21, 2017
I spy with my little eye... someone who can't take a hint that I don't want to play this game anymore.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 23, 2017
The toddler is wearing big-boy underwear to school today, which makes his impending accident… not my problem.
— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) March 24, 2017
Shopping for a new kitchen table like...this is nice but will it hold all the laundry I don't plan on folding?
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 21, 2017
Report: 5yo just called to tell me his fart sounded like a "wet firecracker." Then yelled to Dad, "See, you were wrong, she IS impressed."
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) March 20, 2017
If I start talking in a cheerful sing-song voice you'd better run, because I am THIS CLOSE to losing it. That's what parenthood does to you.
— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) March 21, 2017
4-year-old: The cookies look cold. I should warm them up.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2017
Me: You can't use the microwave.
4: I can use my belly.
The invention of hide-and-seek becomes crystal clear after spending several days inside with your kids.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 22, 2017
There's a 70% chance I'm wearing the exact same outfit I wore on Tuesday. My coworkers are keeping quiet; they know I have a 6yo & a baby.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 23, 2017
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