Lets face it, no one wants to wake up on a Sunday morning alone. No one wants to wake up on their birthday or Christmas morning alone either. Sometimes we do things because we have to not because we want to. Maybe we are single for the first time in a long time. Maybe the one we love is away fighting a war. There are reasons why we are alone during these times we don’t want to be. We may not like it, but for most of us we accept it. For others we latch on to something that may not be healthy because of that fear of being alone. For me, I am no different. Today I am OK waking up alone and I am OK going to be bed alone. Was I always OK with being alone? Heck no, but today I am a different person. Do I prefer it? No. But I accept it and I am OK with it. For me, right now, I need it.
Personally I have been through a life changing situation. I was in an abusive relationship for many years. I am almost 6 months out from the final ending of this relationship. For the first time, in what seems like forever, I can breathe. But I also get caught up in a netting of feelings from time to time. These feeling can come out of nowhere and surround me heavily. At times I am angry at myself for being in and staying in that relationship for such a long stretch. Other times I am sad when I look back on what I went through and what my kids saw me go through. I have felt not good enough, alone, and even pathetic. But I have also felt happy, free, and successful.
There are times I feel lonely. Yesterday was one of those days. It was a typical Saturday. Workout, errands, but no solid plans. By night fall, the feeling of loneliness had seeped in and I began to feel restless, so I got in my car and drove to the gas station to get ice cream. Dressed in my “no plans for tonight” uniform, sweats and my sons Williams College t shirt, I walked into the store of the corner gas station. With my hair pulled up in a dirty man bun, I grabbed the ice cream and approached the counter. The familiar face greeted me with a smile and looking at my appearance on a Saturday night gave me some advice. He told me my time was coming and I was going to be OK. He said a guy was working his way into my life and to be patient. I smiled back and thanked him. In a way it was what I needed to hear at that moment, because it lead me to a string of thoughts of just how far I have come. As I headed home in my car, those thoughts continued to swirl throughout my head. I was OK because I know how strong I am. My mind took me back to a night when my strength was tested. A night I remember thinking “ He is going to kill you, do not go down with out a fight”.
We had broken up and he had moved out. My fiancee, X and I had been living together for a few months. We had a toxic relationship from the get go. The first few weeks were amazing. Amazing enough to keep me coming back. I had just separated from my husband and I was afraid to be on my own. A month or so after our relationship began, the red flags showed up. I ignored them. I didn’t want to be alone and I thought being with someone, anyone, was better than facing my fears of living life unattached. We were together for 2 years when we decided we should live apart. That night, we planned on going out. We were “working” on our relationship so were trying to date but live separately. The night began with drinks with some of his friends and eventually that lead us downtown. As the night progressed, we had more drinks and he got high on coke. I didn’t find this out until later. X was always a jealous guy. Something I liked in the beginning, but then it got out of hand. He didn’t like it when I spoke to another guy for any reason. Whether it was a guy taking an order at a restaurant or someone saying excuse me as they passed by. I knew this about him, but by this time, I was used to it. I was used to walking with my head down and not making eye contact with anyone. It was easier living that way than it was dealing with him when he got upset. That night was no different.
When it was time to go, we walked to the parking garage hand in hand. Everything seemed fine, but it usually did. I never knew when he would be set off. Calm before the storm. As we approached the car, his friends got in the front to drive and he opened the door for me to get in the back seat, so I did. I watched as he got in and almost before the door was shut behind him, his hand was around my throat. Squeezing. Hard. I reached for his hand and tried to get him off of me, but I couldn’t. He was on a mission. As he was squeezing harder and it became more difficult to breathe, he was quietly, angrily, telling me to never talk to another guy in front of him again. He told me I was too close to his friend all night and he didn’t like it. As his threats became darker, I began to kick the seat in front of me. I needed help. He was pressing harder and I was feeling light headed. His friend in the front passenger seat saw what was going on and tried to help. He tried to get X to let me go. He wouldn’t. X told his friend to mind his own business. I can remember in that moment I prayed his friend would stop talking to him because he had no idea who X was and he would be next if he didn’t leave him alone. X has a history of being violent. When X gets mad, he sees red and can’t control his anger. Not many people know this about him. So when his friend was urging him to let me go and X told him to mind his own business, I knew what was going to happen. And I was right. His friend would not stop asking him to leave me alone, so X let me go, and began to hit his friend. The next thing I knew I was in the front seat, X was driving, and as we made our way back to his house, he was punching me. Hitting me. He would not stop. I tried to defend myself, but as he hit me over and over while he yelled at me, there was not much I could do. I tried to hit him back, to get him to stop. He didn’t. At one point I knew what was coming next. I could see it in my mind as he reached for my head. I could see him smashing my head through the passenger side window. And as he grabbed my hair and pulled it tight, a million thoughts ran through my mind, but all I could focus on was my kids. My boys. I saw them as infants, riding their bikes, swimming. Memories of them, images of them throughout their lives, flooded my head. They needed a mom. I knew what was about to happen and I could not go down without a fight. I needed to fight for them. I needed to fight for me. So I got angry. As he was pulling me in, I turned my body around and kicked him in the face with my cowboy boot. I got him in the eye and suddenly I was free. He stopped hitting me. He let me go. Minutes later I was out of that car, in my own car and on my way home. Alive. An emotional, physical mess, but I was going to see my kids again and I was relieved. I woke up on that Sunday morning alone.
So last night on my way home with my little container of ice cream, I smiled and I felt free. I am no longer living a life that scares me. I no longer walking on egg shells. It took me a while to be completely away from X, but today I am. It may sound crazy, but I am thankful X came into my life. He was just a piece of the puzzle that makes me who I am. I want to help others. I want to show women that its OK to let go and be on your own. It’s OK to be unattached. It’s OK to celebrate your birthday without a boyfriend. Be who you are. Live your life. Enjoy your friends. Decorate your home the way you like it, heck find out how you like your home decorated. But most importantly, heal. Take the time to heal and life will put itself together for you. And remember you do not need another person to complete you. You are whole on your own.