I’ve been in many situations where it was not always easy to speak up and rather choose to keep silent or bite my tongue. Be that in mixed company, with friends/family/colleagues. Speaking up no matter what the repercussions may or may not be. Telling someone you are ending the relationship. Giving your resignation or the two little words, “I quit”. Telling friends or family something that they may not want to hear. Yet, I know it is far better to speak up because the thing is - no one can truly read your mind and at the end of the day you have to get comfortable with difficult conversations.
We all can remember that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie got dumped by a post it note. That’s the worst! Even all these years later, Berger should have been the bigger man and had the balls to tell Carrie face to face. In a very digital age, it’s super easy to cop out and resort to a text, an e-mail or a subtweet. Sometimes though it’s time to just have the face to face or at least the voice to voice. Certain situations just need more than a post it note.
Let’s face it. There are some conversations that we will have to have that will feel super difficult. Whether it be that it brings up fear or any of our natural human emotions sometimes there will be conversations, emails, texts or phone calls that just are difficult. It is a beautiful opportunity nonetheless for us to stand in our power and in our truth. After experiencing many of these myself and witnessing others go through them I feel super strong when I am faced with a difficult conversation.
Don’t get me wrong, when a new situation arises of course it will still bring up some fear and emotions in me just like it will for you. That’s not only natural but it is also completely OK and normal.
The fact of the matter is that time and time again after you get through it, it almost never turns out quite as bad or scary as you imagined in your mind. The build up and time spent thinking about it is actually the worst part. So, whatever the situation you are dealing with and preparing for know that it is not going to be nearly as bad or difficult as you are making it out to be.
Why are these types of conversations dubbed courageous? Simply put it is because they are going to require more courage on your part than you ever dreamed possible to have them.
These types of conversations can bring up a lot of our fears and create a lot of worry about what will happen after we have them. There is no avoiding them altogether though. Whether there is a situation that rises up at work or in your personal life you will undoubtedly have a situation arise when you’ll have to muster up the courage.
Let’s begin by acknowledging what some of our big fears could include:
If you have to speak up at work to a colleague or superior you could fear getting reprimanded or even worse fired
If you have to get out of a icky situation with your business, maybe it’s getting out of a speaking engagement or ending a client relationship you could worry about legal issues, ruining your reputation or hurting someone else’s feelings
If you have to speak up and share a heart centered truth with your loved one, partner, friend or family member you could also fear getting yelled at, losing them in your life or them losing interest in you altogether
These are just some of the basic fears that may come up for you in some of these types of situations.
Now, in order for you to begin to even start to fathom the idea of having this conversation, I want you to think about what will happen if you choose not to have it, to keep silent and just not speak your mind and stand in what is true for you?
How long have you been building this issue up? How long has this been in your mind? How long have you been stewing?
Can you continue to have said relationship or be okay in the situation without speaking up or having the conversation?
Check in with yourself and see if you feel this may just resolve itself or blow over without you having to say a word?
Sit with it and see where you are at and then you’ll have a better understanding of if it is time to muster up the courage to have the conversation.
Of course, you can always lie to yourself and continue to avoid it just so you don’t have to deal with whatever the response and outcome may be but this usually will end up eating you up inside and you will begin to get angry, resentful or completely negative or even lose interest in the relationship altogether.
To finally come to your decision ask yourself the below questions if you are still hemming and hawing or on the fence:
How severe is the situation feeling for me? How is the environment with this person(s)? Is it unbearable?
What are my possible risks?
What are my possible gains?
Who is my recipient(s)? What is there personality like? How are they likely to respond?
Finally, a tough one — how much do you truly value the relationship?
Let yourself take sometime to think these through. Write them out. Heck make a pro/con list if you need to.
Now, when you are ready and completely sure that it is time to have the courageous conversation here are a few key tips to have when embarking on this conversation (based on the relationship, the person and what you prefer you can decide if it is best done in person, via email or text or if a phone call will suffice).
No rushing. Take your time to truly sit with it and let yourself prepare well in advance so that you make sure you say everything that you are wanting to say. Organize your thoughts clearly and concisely so that you do not go in unclear, wishy washy or regret not saying everything that needs to be said.
If you know the person well then you’ll have a better idea of their personality and can start to even think of all their possible responses.
Honor your own values and listen to your intuition with how you choose what and how to speak your truth.
Stand in your truth.
Take the time to let it sink in.
Write several drafts out (for emails and for in person/phone calls you can simply write bullets or you can literally write it out word for word)
Only choose whichever form of communication feels best to you. Be it email, text, phone call or an in person meeting.
Only hit send (pick up the phone, meet in person) when you are completely ready.
Be open to their reaction, their comments. Give them the floor and give them time if necessary to respond to you.
Whatever the outcome is be willing to be willing to accept it.
Always send the other person love and light along with having compassion for their viewpoint.
Celebrate and honor yourself for speaking up for yourself.
Know that as you have these types of conversations they do get easier each time. So speak the F up.