COMEDY
11/15/2016 11:24 am ET

In My Time, I Fought Trump By Criticizing People Wearing Safety Pins

Make sure that everybody who agrees with you agrees correctly.

Alamy

Grab some hot cocoa and sit on your Grampy’s lap, children! I want to tell you about the year 2016. It seems like a long time ago, as this is 2075, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

Do you whippersnappers know Donald Trump? Why, he was the Daddy of our current emperor, Barron Trump!

I tell ya, I was furious when he was elected. He posed a serious threat to every freedom we held dear. I knew it was going to take everybody in our great country working together to defeat him. So I took to the internet and attacked my fellow liberals for wearing safety pins on their clothes.

You silly little kids are scratching your heads!

See, wearing safety pins was a gesture intended to show support for marginalized groups negatively affected by Donald Trump’s presidency. But I felt it was an empty promise, so I yelled at white liberals for trying to look sympathetic without actually doing anything. Yes, I know I’m white, little Tommy. Don’t interrupt Grandpa, OK?

Publicly humiliating these dum-dums was definitely the best use of my time. And before you could say “SHAME,” people stopped wearing safety pins and your old Pappy made a difference in this world. I remember thinking, “That’ll show Trump!”

Yet somehow things got worse! That demagogue built the wall! And he couldn’t get Mexico to pay for it, so the bill came to the American taxpayers. Can you imagine? Here I am paying for a giant wall made with rejected Chinese steel! I didn’t vote for this!

It was time to get serious. As Barack Obama said, “We are the change we’ve been waiting for.” So I looked inside myself and realized that a nation united will never be defeated. I gathered all my depressed Democrat friends and spent three hours explaining why being shocked that Hillary Clinton lost made them look naive and, frankly, out of touch.

I see I may have lost you tikes again.

When adults want the same thing, it has to be for the right reasons and at a certain time. You’ll get it when you’re older.

My best political activism came when Trump deported millions of immigrants and forced Muslims to register themselves. This inspired me to start an Instagram account for “Protest Signs That Missed the Point.” That really nailed those basic, privileged, progressive, well-meaning morons.

That got me a massive book deal. And that’s how I’m able to afford the shield around this house that keeps out the homeless and the 3,000-degree heat.

I’m sharing this with you because it’s important to spend your lifetime doing the most good for the most people. But, along the way, it’s even more important to make sure that everybody who agrees with you agrees correctly.

Always remember: Just ‘cause they’re your allies doesn’t mean they can’t be your enemies.

Alright kids, head off to bed now! We have to wake up bright and early to wash Emperor Trump’s feet!

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