Investor or Head Kisser? My Experience Raising Money as a "Female Founder"

“You’ve got a beautiful smile,” he said, gazing into my eyes with his head cocked to the side, like he was trying to act meaningful. “You know, I’ve got a house up in Sonoma.”

“Thanks. Cool. So about our company...” I continued, shifting in my seat and fixing my scarf to stay warm in the windy, cold San Francisco financial district in late January. I took a sip of coffee — Starbucks, he’d insisted — in an attempt to squish the growing lump in my throat and direct the conversation to what I thought our meeting was meant for all along: a private investment in my cookie company. (We had met, after all, at a networking event for entrepreneurs, and connected, I thought, over friendly conversation about how his firm might be interested in helping us grow.)

To no avail. My words fell out like cookie dough on a conveyor belt. He didn’t pick them up. Nor did he arrange them on the baking tray. Instead, I continued listening to the lad, twice my age, flaunting his money and accomplishments for another 30 minutes, pausing only long enough to compliment my teeth. I wanted to say, “Glad you’re so rich. Forget about the investment. How about a grant?” Instead I nodded and smiled and tried to get through the meeting as politely as I could, not knowing that it was going to end with his holding me by the way-too-upper-waist with one hand, pulling me in towards his moist, too-tight button-down work shirt until my neck cranked, and giving me a big wet kiss on the top of the head.

I’m what they call a “female founder”. It’s almost the same as a regular founder, except you get kissed on the head by men you thought wanted to invest in your company.

In honor of International Women’s Day this week, I want to speak a little bit about feminism and my experience trying to raise money in the Bay Area.

Feminism is Freedom and Equality

I’m a positive thinker. I look on the bright side. Even my company, Green Pea Cookie, has a brand that’s dedicated to positive thinking, gratitude and forward action. When it comes to social issues, I have always believed that there are two major steps:

1. Full acceptance and awareness of a problem
2. Positive action and refusal to indulge in excessive negative emotion.*

*While it’s appropriate to feel feelings, I reckon that in isolation, negativity surrounding the status quo can create a cage and prevent any progress. Freedom and equality have to be claimed.

You know this quote? One of my favorites:

But gosh. It’s hard to maintain that mindset sometimes when all you want to do is kick a head kisser in the balls. (Oh, is that unladylike?)

What’s so bad about getting kissed on the head?

Three things.

1. In most early-stage investor meetings, head kisser or no head kisser, the investor has the power. And they know it.
2. Unwillingness to listen, money-dangling and unending focus on another’s outward appearance are always disrespectful. But especially given the power play.
3. Choosing not to stand up for yourself because you don’t want to be rude... well, let’s just say that’s not the kind of lady I want to be. But on the other hand, I was giving him a full chance. I didn’t know for sure that he was a head kisser until the big, slobbery, affirmative smooch.

The Real Problem is Fear: Women are Learning to Expect Sexism

An alumna of The Baldwin School, an all-girl’s prep school in Bryn Mawr, PA, I was lucky enough to grow up in an educational environment where I felt I deserved respect and felt respected. I expected to be treated as a free mind and an equal human. With little thought, I assumed my equality as a lady in this world, and I was lucky enough to expect it to be the norm. I try my best to hold onto this sentiment.

When I graduated and went to a coed college, it shocked and saddened me to hear from female peers there who admitted they were afraid to speak up in class and participate due to the fact that guys were in their presence, even on the very first day of school. I saw that these particular men had done absolutely nothing to offend or instill fear. I felt it was up to the women to open up, be themselves, and give the guys a full chance. But I’m discovering lately that those young women learned to be quiet somewhere. And it was probably from previous experience.

Today, my cofounder Fiona and I have somewhat of an unfortunate ongoing joke after we meet someone who seems like a friendly, hopeful lead: “Investor or Head Kisser?” There’ve been plenty more we’ve found, between the two of us, with ulterior motives. Unfortunately we have probably abandoned some quality prospects, too, for fear of being hit on.

Yes, head kissers are a problem. But what’s worse is that they’ve instilled in us the idea that other potential male investors might be head kissers. And that idea — that fear — is what stands in the way of our enthusiasm to give the next guy a chance. And it probably stands in the way of the company’s progress. We’re learning to expect sexism. And so we risk perpetuating it. I know this trend isn’t exclusive to entrepreneurs.

Solution?

It’s the same as it always has been. Arrive everywhere for the first time. Give those folks a chance to be what you hope they are. You know how it goes: Om namah peavayah; give peas a chance. Evaluate each moment in its own right and as much as possible, assume for yourself that free, equal life you have imagined. Also —

Head kissers: Go away. I know my head was never your ultimate target, and the only thing of mine I ever want you grabbing is a big, happea box of Green Pea Cookies.