This week’s debate started off so promising, didn’t it? It began as a calm and civilized discussion of issues, and seemed almost too good to be true. Unfortunately, it was. How quickly things spiraled downhill…
Just the other day I wrote a piece about getting America back to the basic kindness and decency that we all strive for deep in our hearts.
Where did we get this idea that we can be insulting and mean to each other? When did it become OK for anyone -- whether you’re a candidate on a stage or an anonymous Twitter user -- to behave this way? When did we stray from this wise adage?
These are questions I’ve actually been asking myself for the past year, and in the most surprising of contexts, too. I’ve been shocked by this behavior coming from both sides, but truly did not expect the type of rancor that has come from some of my most tolerant (in any context except politics, it seems) friends -- the yogis, liberals, spiritual figures, and progressives. People who supposedly live by the sayings “Love Wins” and “We are all one”......
Even among friends, this divisiveness, even hatred, has been so consuming and powerful, that I have found myself uncharacteristically intimidated into silence. At times I’ve been paralyzed about what to say in the face of such behavior.
Who hasn’t found themselves in a conversation of this type over the past year? Conversations that dissolve too quickly into raised voices and name-calling, or end abruptly in judgmental dismissal. It’s inevitable that the divisiveness that has been playing out on the national stage would seep into our personal lives. In my case, a recent cross-country move from Portland, Oregon to West Palm Beach, Florida and the reactions I’ve gotten about the school my son now attends there have brought these divisions, stereotyping and misguided black-and-white thinking close to home.
When I tell people, even friends, that my son’s new school was founded by one of the Koch brothers -- well-known businessmen who are often criticized for their politics -- the harsh judgment many times has stunned me. Let’s think about this for a minute. What does the term “Koch Brothers” actually mean? They are siblings -- four individuals, four men, not one identity.
While I have been taken aback by the comments, I’m determined to speak up, especially regarding my son’s school. Not to prove a point but because -- unbelievable though it may seem to those who “throw stones,” ending the conversation mid-sentence, when I speak its founder’s name -- this school is remarkable, an incredible example of the culture of kindness that we are so sorely missing right now.
Those who make sweeping generalizations miss the opportunity to see what I’ve seen -- a truly exceptional place where everyone is accepted and kindness is the guiding principle. Diversity of every kind exists and each individual is embraced unconditionally. This inclusive community really puts their money where their mouth is, with 40% of the students receiving financial aid and families even inviting other students to live with them when they need a helping hand. When I met Dr. Koch at back to school night, I told him that in all my years as an educator, parent, and child advocate, I have never seen anything like this school: I truly feel as if it’s a mirage.
After only a few weeks of school, this ethos of kindness had already trickled down to my son. While in the locker room before a cross-country meet, a student from the visiting school commented: “This looks like a rich kids’ school.” In recounting the incident, my son told me that he responded by sharing that there are all kinds of kids at Oxbridge, that it’s a school for everyone and that there is a lot of financial aid and support. We had never discussed these things, and I was astounded not only that he knew them but also, more importantly, that he had internalized the school's values and identified with them strongly enough to speak up in the school's defense.
The authentic sense of love and community has, I think, something to do with Dr. Koch’s own personal history. His father’s life, and by extension his own, was radically transformed as the result of another person’s generosity, and he struggled with learning challenges himself. Perhaps as a result, he has been so successful in creating this utopia of kindness and equality, the beauty of which would be undeniable even to his harshest critics, if only they could keep an open mind long enough to get past the mention of his name.
While Oxbridge is an independent school with great resources, the real magic lies in nothing more than simple kindnesses and a commitment to acceptance that everyone associated with the school values. With the majority of American high school students tired, stressed and bored at school, and 9 in 10 saying that our culture lacks kindness, this school is a shining light. There just might be some keys in what they’re doing that could point us in the right direction to fix our failing education system.
What this school has created is worthy of attention, which is why I’m committed to speaking up, regardless of the reaction I receive. So, when a close friend made comments on social media against the Koch Brothers, together with Donald Trump, all in one inflammatory statement, I did what we tell children to do when they encounter bullying: speak up. I responded by sharing that my experience with Oxbridge did not fit with that type of sweeping generalization and judgment. Despite the heated attacks, I asked for the generalizations and the judgment to stop, writing “Oxbridge Academy founded by Bill Koch is pure love.”
The recent presidential debates have been a call to action to all of us. Can we finish out National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month by modeling how to speak up with dignity? By respecting differences of opinion instead of reacting through anger. In our work at the Flawless Foundation our motto is “Seeing the perfection in every person,” which means to look through the lens of light and find the good in every individual. Resorting to labels and categorizing is dangerous and only keeps us polarized. As Deepak Chopra reminds us in a recent post, which is inspiring and essential reading, we are all complex beings made up of both light and shadow. It’s up to each of us to be aware of all facets of ourselves and always strive to have our actions and our words be informed with love and light.
Speaking up is a skill; one we must relearn and also teach our children, so that from the debate stage to the Twittersphere, kindness, not bullying, becomes the defining characteristic of American culture.