In the aftermath of the US election and the afterglow of the global women’s march, it’s clear just how far women have come as a gender and just how far we still have to go on the subject of gender equality and female empowerment. As a woman who vehemently believes in both, I have to wonder if there is more we can do as women to up-the-ante from the inside out.
I’m not a politician or an HR director or an authority on the subject of women’s studies. But I am a woman who has experienced the very real joy and benefit of having strong female relationships in my life. I am a woman who has experienced the very real cattiness and cruelty of other women. And I am a woman who believes that we’re all on the same team and that we’re only as strong as the support we give to one another.
It’s no secret that women can be very mean to each other. The irony is that ‘being mean’ doesn’t look like engaging in a fistfight or directly confronting one another after a disagreement. Female attacks are often passive aggressive, highly personal and executed behind a woman’s back when there’s a willing audience.
All women gossip to some degree, and for the most part, it’s relatively harmless. This doesn’t make it right; negative words create a negative reality and disconnection for all involved in a conversation. Most gossip I’ve been involved with is typically unfair and uninformed, and I never feel good afterward.
I have also seen how gossip can cause very real harm. I’ve seen women fired and lose romantic relationships over a rumor-gone-wrong, women cast out of female friend groups with no explanation, and grown women who use social media as a weapon to hurt others. Most women I know have experienced the impact of mean girls and women at some point in their lives, and the impact is no less hurtful with age.
I have no explanation for this behavior other than the belief that insecurity and jealousy are at the root of it. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. And it’s certainly not okay. It’s counterproductive.
Enough already!
If we want to grow respect for women in this world, we need to shift the way we treat and speak about each other.
My early life experience with mean little girls taught me to weed out toxic people and friendships to make room for stronger relationships as an adult. I’m now only interested in the friendships and opinions of those who are happy and secure enough in their own skin to give a sincere compliment or constructive piece of feedback.
I call my best friends my soul sisters. My soul sisters are highly independent, strong risk takers. These are the women who start their own businesses, move to Hong Kong and mush with Huskies in Finland because they follow their dreams and wait for nobody to give them permission. They are also fiercely loyal and supportive friends who constantly push me to be better.
My greatest friend and I are very different people in terms of our professions, the men we date, and our passions, but we are each other’s biggest support through the ups and downs of living and loving boldly. The night I found out my mother had cancer, the moment I realized my relationship was breaking apart, and the day I needed her to be a student in my yoga class for moral support – she came running. She’s also the first person to give me a swift kick in the butt when I need to put on my big girl pants.
Strong women need each other. We need each other in the work place. We need each other socially. We need each other behind-the-scenes where vulnerabilities are real and we need reminders that we are heard and worthy and capable of great things. Male and partner support is also necessary, but there’s something very inspiring about women banding together in genuine celebration of one another.
In my experience, even the most poised and confident woman in the room still has insecurities and fears and tears behind closed doors. There is always more to the story than what meets the eye.
I recently gave a speech at a charity fundraiser in Manhattan. I’ve never felt more beautiful or on point. What the crowd didn’t see were the hours I spent memorizing my lines, the nerves in my stomach, the years I’ve spent actively working on my posture and the tears that streamed down my face afterward in the bathroom because I didn’t have someone to kiss at the end of such a big moment.
Nobody is perfect. We are all vulnerable works in progress. The women I respect the most are the ones with the courage to step up and open their hearts up anyway – and the ones who do the very hard work required to move forward and up.
In life and leadership, critics are a constant. It is way easier to point fingers and criticize than to do the work necessary to build authentic self-esteem, relationships and success.
The meanest girls and biggest critics I know are the ones with the most work to do. They are the ones who count on male and social media attention for validation. They are the ones who lack compassion for others being human. They are the ones who don’t love themselves enough to genuinely support anyone else…yet.
The most accomplished and beautiful women I know are leaders who are so focused on pursuing their passions and loving their people that there’s no time left to entertain mean words and behavior. They are quietly confident yet unafraid to speak up and own their strengths and their flaws. They also strive and empower each other to be better versions of themselves every day.
I’m not saying we need to love everyone; there aren’t enough hours in the day to be besties with the masses. But I do think we have a choice in the words we use to either build up or tear down great people who work very hard to fulfill their dreams, honestly and with respect and love for others.
We have a lot of issues to tackle out there and years ahead of us to champion the equally worthy intelligence, rights and possibilities of women. Those are big issues, and we better respect who and what we’re fighting for.
I’m not a nasty woman, but I’m a strong woman, and I believe in the real impact that strong women can have in this world if given the opportunity and support.
Let’s start by supporting each other.