I remember the moment that I knew for sure that it was over. I stood there in the middle of the living room floor, not really listening to him speak, and simply thinking “How the hell can I get out of this?” Yet, I went with the motions of going to couples therapy and discussing how we could make it work.
The truth was, I didn’t want to make it work. Too much had transpired to even try and stay in the marriage. The problem was, the way out was a divorce. My parents had gotten one, I had a few friends that had divorced, but this was me. Everyone thought that my ex-husband and I had something perfect. It was far from that.
We were two individuals, two humans that make mistakes and when two humans get together, sometimes things don’t work out as planned. Sometimes life comes to a screeching halt and you have to look it square in the eye and acknowledge the reflection you see.
That moment that I told myself I was done, I checked out. I checked out long before we legally separated and long before the paperwork was filed. It was simple too. I made the decision that it was over. And it did not feel as bad as I thought that it would.
Of course I had people “suggest” that we make it work. Go to church. Go to counseling. Spend more time together. Focus on one another. But none of those people had to live with the day to day that was happening. None of them were living with a person that they no longer recognized. They weren’t living in a space that did not provide balance or stability.
None of them were living my life.
So I was not sure how any of them could reason that I needed to remain somewhere that was not healthy. Why would the better choice be to stay in something unhappy, unhealthy, and stressful?
It was easy for me to come to the conclusion that it was over. But then the work had to come in after that. I had not been single in almost fifteen years at that point. I had to start thinking of myself as a separate entity outside of the marriage that I was used to. I had to be okay with the fact that it was over and that divorce was the solution. Some people are not okay making divorce a solution. Trust me, it is.
I had to grieve. It was a loss. An ending.
But why do endings have to be something negative? Because all endings are not something to lament. Sometimes, in endings, you can find a new beginning. Sometimes you can find yourself again. That’s what happened for me. I found myself, not even really aware that I’d lost her. People would find out that I was getting a divorce and say “I’m sorry.”
But I wasn’t. Not one bit. I didn’t deserve to be treated the way that I was being treated and a new beginning was just what I needed. Getting rid of the things that no longer served me opened my life up for abundance and more positive things, and people.
Life changes. People change. Nothing stays the same. And honestly, it would be boring if it all did stay the same. People grow apart. Things begin and they end.
It’s all in perspective. And I choose to look at this as a beginning to something wonderful that I may have never known if I was not willing to accept the ending.