That night at MSG as my date changed into sneakers by standing on his work shoes rather than the floor because "he didn't want to soil his socks," my first thought was, isn't everything about a Phish show dirty? My second thought was that while the red cashmere socks certainly qualified him as metrosexual, his unselfconscious aversion to dirt was a more finicky proclamation. And then it hit me like box of steel-toed wingtips. What I had just witnessed was the emergence of the metrosexual's kissing cousin: the high maintenance man.
While both metros and highmay (high maintenance) men are fastidious, the former are strictly fussy about how they dress and the latter are persnickety in myriad ways that may have nothing to do with their appearance. It's just as high maintenance Sally (of "When Harry Met...") so clearly explained, "I just want it the way I want it."
With the overwhelming acceptance of (or resignation to) metrosexuality, men who once feared being ridiculed for their highmay ways are stepping out of their walk-in closets onto the well-manicured path blazed by their sartorially-inclined cousins.
While dating a man first in line at a Barney's sample sale seems like a bonus, a boyfriend should only be highmay about two things: sports and keeping his woman happy. All other forms of maintenance are flashing red lights on the highmay highway alerting women to slow down and reconsider. Thus I offer up the following list of traits for women to heed, as they'll undoubtedly need some practical dating advice in the age of the high maintenance man:
1. Extreme Athlete/Gym Nut -- Dating a guy who puts in at least six days a week at the gym or runs, surfs and hikes, and not on separate days, will be about as much fun as biking across Africa with a UTI. As if women on a perpetual diet aren't highmay enough, a peripatetic "vegan" athlete will not only watch what he eats, he'll judge what you eat. Gals, what you really don't need is a boyfriend with hips the size of a Geisha telling you over a romantic fat-free dinner "that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." We already have Rachel Zoe for that.
2. Crying -- There are very specific times and places when it is appropriate for a man to cry. These moments include at life-altering events like his brother's wedding, when his dog dies, or at any given moment during Roadhouse. Tearing up from physical pain, during or after sex, or while watching a Merchant Ivory film means he's emotionally highmay, which might be the worst kind. If you want to date a man who's as histrionic as your most unhinged girlfriend, all I can do is wish you Godspeed and send you off with a box of super-sized tampons you'll both be needing when you fall onto the same period cycle.
3. Tea Drinking -- What can I say? These two words just embody highmay. Though, if he ever says, "Spoon me," that certainly comes a close second. Any boyfriend who gets a buzz from leaves he's bundled into a cloth baggie is questionable at best and highmay at worst. It's not just the prolonged act of steeping that screams maintenance, it's the fact that he's deemed his constitution too sensitive for coffee. This begs the question, if his stomach can't handle the likes of a skinny tall latté, will he be able to handle gut-punches down the road? Any boyfriend worth his weight in beans drinks a brew that's rich, blisteringly hot, and black, just like Denzel Washington. Also, is it a coincidence that as tea became the national drink of Britain their global hegemony declined? As you spoon him weeping post-coitally, this will no longer feel like a rhetorical question.
4. Pee-Sitters -- If a man walks into a bathroom and makes the conscious decision to sit on a toilet and urinate rather than stand, my advice is: run. Run as far and as fast as you can. As opposed to pro-active, peacock highmay, this is the solipsistic, lazy kind. And seeing as the free world is just one huge men's room, there's no excuse for him to sit, unless, of course, his legs are sore because he's just biked the length of California raising money for Jerry's Kids. If you choose to stick around, expect to hear a lot of Coldplay (the official band of men who like to sit when they pee) as you pick up his dirty laundry from the floor and fake orgasms you're never going to have because he likes to take the seated way out.
5. Herbivores -- A vegetarian or vegan man is either Hindu and doesn't want to reincarnate as a dog (which is understandable) or he's not Hindu, Master Cleanses twice a year and is particular-and not just about the grass he eats. He's also highmay about the hospital corners on his organic cotton sheets and the very specific type of woman he likes to date. While an herbivore's asceticism is a desirable quality in Tibetan monks, it's not for a boyfriend. Best to seek out a red-blooded male who, as implied by the name, is passionate, and hungry, and not just for you, but for a juicy bacon cheeseburger. Because meat, like changing a flat or Tom Selleck, is one of the great joys of manhood.
6. Pocket Square -- Everything about a man's suit, from his suspenders to cufflinks, should have some utilitarian purpose. The pocket square, while a colorful and whimsical touch, is superfluous. Plus, with so many complementary napkins around, the pocket square's original purpose: something in which to blow one's nose or wipe the brow, is like network TV, antiquated and redundant. Like a sartorial scarlet letter, this kerchief marks him as highmay because it shows he values style over substance. Imagine the scenario: you're on a date with Mr. Pocket Square when you're overtaken by an allergies without napkin or TP access. And there he goes off in search of a rag even though you're both aware there's a nostril-sized towelette located in his left breast pocket. If women have to suffer the indignation of buying condoms from gas station bodegas, he should give you his pocket square, the shirt off his back and the sweat from his brow. Because that's what real men do.
7. Extra Pillows -- There's no argument, who doesn't love a great pair of juicy cans? But the kind of pillows I'm referring to are of the goose-down variety. And if you find more than four pillows or a neck roll on a man's bed, these items, like the pocket square, are decorative. They serve no useful purpose and should absolutely fuel your highmay suspicions. His home accessories should err on the side of sport or play, in the form of taxidermy, neon signs, and even, God forbid, canine poker art. One too many pillows indicates that he likes being pampered and propped up by soft things. And, like my grandmother always used to say, fluffing a man isn't the kind of job a woman should ever do for free.
8. Goths -- If you think metrosexuals are overly concerned with their appearance, try dating a man who dresses like he's one of Dracula's groomsmen or a pallbearer at a Renaissance faire funeral. Between the love poetry, blood pacts, and the crying during sex, it makes it hard for a gal to live up to her dark prince's expectations of Romantic Era courtship. Plus, falling into deeply melodramatic, monogamous relationships feels like it's encroaching on lesbian territory. Heterosexual men, even Goths, should save the drama for acting class.
9. Half-Beard -- When it comes to grooming, a half-beard lies somewhere in between clean-shaven and bearded which speaks to two larger problems. First, I don't care how much time he spends keeping his beard at half-mast, he's never going to win a stubble contest with Don Johnson. And second, this neither here nor there beard means he's commitment highmay. Because if he's that indecisive when it comes to facial hair, imagine how ambivalent he'll be when it comes to a girlfriend.
10. San Francisco Transplants -- Skimming over the list, you may have noticed that a number of the signs of highmaydom are attributable to men who reside in San Francisco. I'm not referring to local boys like the Hell's Angels, possibly the most B.A. Baracus group of California roughriders to ever sport the Y chromosome. I'm also not speaking of the Silicon Valley super nerds-because anyone who's that jazzed about getting laid can never be considered high maintenance. It's the open-minded, Outside/Mother Jones/GQ-subscribing, strip club-shunning, super sensitive San Francisco male transplants who take pride in their evolvedness. Which is, ironically, what makes them so highmay. While evolved is a good thing, it also means he spends a lot of time thinking about his needs, and not yours.
Now if your current beau rides a motorcycle yet orders his salad dressing on the side and it's not clear where on the maintenance fence he sits, just ask yourself the age old question, What would Johnny Cash do? -- and you'll always get a very clear manswer.