My Dearest Baby,
It doesn’t matter if you are 5 or 13 or 40. You will always be my baby. This family will always be the most important thing in your dad’s and my life. Because our love for you is so strong and so unwavering, it is hard for me to explain why my parents, your grandparents, aren’t a part of our lives.
You are only 8 months old and not saying any coherent words, much less asking these tough questions, but experiencing unconditional parental love firsthand has made me realize I relate to my parents less than I ever thought. It breaks my heart that people who should love us both unconditionally are the ones who will probably open the door to this conversation in the future, the conversation that the word “family” is not synonymous with “loved.”
When you hear the word “family,” you will probably think of a mom, a dad, and kids. Maybe you even include a dog. You will know that Grandma and Grandpa are Daddy’s parents, and your aunts and uncles are his sisters and brothers.
You will also know that everyone has to have parents somewhere, but you have never met Mommy’s.
Families are more than just a mom, a dad, and kids who live in the same house. Some families have parents that live in different houses. Some families have two moms or two dads. Some families have no babies and lots of dogs.
But what truly makes a family is how those people treat each other. I think a family is a group of people who love each other more than anything else in the world, no matter what. Even though some of the family members - like the moms and dads - might be in charge of making the rules, each person in the family is treated with respect. We try to be helpful, honest, and, when someone makes a mistake, forgiving. This is the definition of family your dad and I have created for our home.
Unfortunately, not everyone sees family the same way we do. I grew up in a family that had many of the right people, but not the same definition. Because of that, I had to make the very hard choice not to be a part of that family anymore. That is why you have never met your grandparents - because I don’t want you to have people in our life that won’t treat our family with respect. I can’t shelter you from all that is unpleasant in the world, but it is my responsibility to make sure that your family is only ever a source of love.
There are times when I wonder if I am doing the right thing by not allowing them to be a part of our lives. I fear that I’m depriving you of grandparents that live close and could pass down traditions from my side of the family. But then I remember, it’s not weakness that keeps me away. It’s not pettiness or a grudge. It’s strength in being able to do what is best for our family even when it’s hard.
This is their loss. (I’m lucky that you’re still young enough to not know cliches are cliches, even if they are true.) Their absence in your life is not a reflection of your worthiness of love; it’s a reflection of their character. You are one of the most amazing little humans in the world who is going to make it a better place because you are in it. They could have had the pleasure of watching you do so as family. They could have been able to point to you and say “That is our grandson,” but that right is reserved for people who are guaranteed to treat you well.
My darling baby, you will have to make decisions like this when you are older. There will be people who come into your life, and they won’t make it better. You need to love yourself enough to speak up, to walk away, to follow a path that makes you feel proud, happy, and safe. I promise to help you grow up into a young man that has the confidence to just that.
I also promise to never be one of those people to you like my parents were to me. I love you today, I will love you tomorrow, I will love you no matter what. Because that is what family does.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy