"It is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy." -- Brother David Steindl-Rast
Here's the amazing thing: We choose how we feel!
Deeply understanding this can change our lives. We are not at the mercy of our feelings. Here's the clue: What we feel is a result of what we see and think. And since we get to choose what we see and think, we have a lot of power in our lives. (Check out the previous blog on seeing.)
Now that doesn't mean we can control the events or people in our lives. (Too bad, because lots of times I'd like to!) What we CAN control is our response to events and people: How we see them, think about them, feel about them, and out of that, respond to them.
It doesn't seem like we get to choose, but that's because seeing, thinking and feeling happen so fast, and become so habitual, they're automatic. We don't notice that we're choosing. The beauty of this work is that once we DO notice, we can choose differently.
Examples
Anna and Michelle were watching Sarah, a 15-year-old relative, kayak in the bay. The sun was low in the sky, the water silky. They were looking at the same scene. Michelle said, "She's out too far, she's inexperienced; it could be dangerous. It gets dark fast." Anna countered with, "Look how smoothly she paddles, and the peacefulness of her face. She is in heaven." It was the same scene, with different evaluations, judgments, and feelings. They were both right. They just chose to see, think, and feel differently. Note that after this exchange, Michelle turned to Anna and said, "Thank you for a different perspective. I didn't want to be all anxious."
Let's look at another example, slowing it down to get inside the process. We'll discover how it works, and the huge difference subtle shifts can make in our lives.
My client Glen complained to me one day that his teenaged daughter Susy didn't help her mother do the dishes. He thought, "This is bad." He began looking for all the things she didn't do. He saw them and decided she was a spoiled brat, growing into an irresponsible adult. He started to worry and obsess about her. (How do you think Glen treated Susy when he was thinking about her as irresponsible? How might she have experienced her dad?)
I asked Glen if there were things about Susy that he appreciated. At that moment he couldn't think of any. He agreed to look for some during the next week.
When I talked to him next, he was amazed. Everything had shifted, including his heart. He'd found two things to appreciate: Susy was consistently nice to her little brother, and she had a great sense of humor -- always had. As he saw and thought about her differently, his feelings toward her changed. He mentioned to Susy that he appreciated these things about her. They laughed together about something funny the cat did. Susy imitated the cat. Glen howled. Next thing he knew, Glen noticed that Susy was helping her mother with the dishes.
When Glen started appreciating her, how do you suppose Susy felt?
How to Change
We get it backwards -- thinking that to change, we need to change our behavior. Of course we do, but it never sticks when we start there, because if we haven't changed how we see and think, our feelings haven't changed. Our heart is stuck. We're acting, still probably looking for evidence to validate our stuck thoughts, to support our stuck heart. We're being phony. And the other person can tell. Have you ever talked with someone who is angry and trying not to let it show? It shows. Learning to control anger by learning to talk instead of yell is definitely a step in the right direction. But choosing to see and think differently is the only way to change that behavior for good.
Here are the steps for getting unstuck, for feeling grateful and happy.
• Pause
• Expand your perception. Challenge yourself to see from other perspectives.
• Loosen your thinking. Question your judgments, evaluations, blaming. What if you're wrong? Is there another way to think about the person or situation? How might you have invited what you don't like?
• Allow your feelings to shift. As you slide out of habitual mode, notice your heart softening. Name things you're grateful for.
• Respond from this shifted place.
PELAR is a made-up word worth remembering. Try remembering it as a weird pillar you can climb to be happy.
When you take these steps, you'll find, as Glen did, that everything is transformed. Sometimes the change happens in a nanosecond. Other times it takes practice, because the old habits resist.
You will also realize, as Glen did, that we often unintentionally invite the response we receive from others. A judgment is communicated, even when we think it's not. It is liberating when we see clearly how much power we have to choose! Truly, we can choose to be happy!
COACHING TIPS/QUESTIONS
1. In what area of your life would you like to be happier?
2. Climb the PELAR steps above.
3. Notice the shifts. How do you feel?
4. Practice climbing PELAR until these steps become your habitual way of being in the world.
5. Enjoy being happy and share it with others.