Tokyo
2017 is quickly approaching. Have you been thinking about your resolutions? Are you questioning a relationship? Are you really happy or convincing yourself? Trying to figure out if you want to go into the New Year with your current relationship?
Here are some questions to determine the health of your relationship and what mechanism you are using to cope with them when you are experiencing difficulties. Keep in mind that sometimes we are using all of them.
Key #1: Honesty
Question about the relationship: Is the person deceptive to you?
Question for you: Why do you want to live in deception?
Maybe you don’t want to deal with a painful past event/memory and the person’s truth is a painful reminder of it. Sometimes we don’t want hear the truth, so that we can act like it doesn’t exist and for it not to be real. It’s harder to hear things that would help move from a negative state of perception to a positive one, so people that love you want to protect you from what can be hurtful. However, deception creates mistrust and feelings of betrayal, which are harder to build on.
Key #2: Conflict Resolution
Question about the relationship: Does the person blame you or others for their life’s setbacks?
Question for you: Do you make them aware of taking responsibility for their decisions that led to their actions?
Taking responsibility for one’s own actions is a personal thing not a couple thing. It’s based on the individual’s personal decisions and choices. I don’t believe in you get what you deserve. You get what you chose. If the person isn’t learning you and vice versa, you are in a relationship with yourself. You’re treating yourself the way you want to be treated and hoping that the other person will in turn do the same for you (on the same/ any level). Not taking responsibility for one’s actions can lead to devaluing the other person. The person isn’t valuing what you do for them because they have relied on others to assist them. While assistance from others is what all of us need from time to time, when that assistance turns into a negative outcome like a life setback, it can be easy to turn that blame on the person who provided the assistance.
Key #3: Equity in the relationship
Question about the relationship: Do you feel like you give more than you receive?
Question for you: Why do you feel you have to do things?
Often times people don’t fully appreciate the effort, time and planning related to the things that their partner does. I’m not talking about cultivating romance. I’m talking about daily living and functioning. E.g., If you’re preparing dinner for your partner and prior to you they were used to ordering out or restaurants, they became accustomed to someone else preparing their food. Their needs are being met. The time, effort, and planning isn’t part of their equation so it isn’t reciprocated. That differential is what can cause resentment.
When you look back at anything you got that you really wanted, you’ll see that it took significant sacrifice, time, and effort. That’s what made it even more worthwhile. Didn’t you appreciate it? Didn’t you celebrate it? The same rule that applies to things apply to people.
1. Don't think that people will change.
2. Don't settle. In every person you encounter you gain something. Focus on what you gained, instead of what you were disappointed with. Use that list to carry you into the next relationship.
3. Don't think that people aren't satisfied with what they are or their circumstances. People structure their lives the way they want. When you join someone's life it either works or it doesn't.
4. Don't get caught up in someone else's drama. Follow your gut. If you hesitate about something, it is usually something you should avoid.
5. Don't help people that don't deserve it. It could be that you are enabling something or you're caught up in their lies.
6. Don't live your life for others. Find the things you enjoy doing, enjoy those things, enjoy who you are and where you are in life.
7. Don't lose your sense of self in a relationship. The person you were when you met is what attracted the person in the first place.
8. Don't look for someone's potential. Focus on what and who they are in the present.
9. Don't be someone for someone else.
10. Delete the need to understand. Sometimes we really don't know the reasons why things worked out the way they did. Relying on a source outside yourself to understand why you feel hurt can lead you to persecute yourself. Sometimes people might not be completely honest with themselves and aren't ready to be honest with you or can't be honest with you. The best thing to do is just recognize that it's over or the person is not going to call or the person doesn't want to be in your life and that's ok. You lost nothing. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what the other person was about, said, did, etc.