A race against the clock. That’s what weekday mornings and evenings feel like in our two-career two-kid house. With two early elementary schoolers involved in extracurriculars and two working parents with long commutes and demanding jobs that refuse to fit neatly into a 9-5 schedule (or, really, any schedule), we are frequently scrambling just to eat, sleep, and take the occasional shower.
The few hours we do spend with our kids each weekday are consumed almost entirely by the most mundane daily tasks of life. My kids somehow balloon daily routines that “should” take only a few minutes into half-hour-plus endeavors.
For example, when I get ready for bed, I put on pajamas, brush my teeth, and climb into bed. My kids dig through drawers to find the perfect pajamas, pause three times to play before finally getting those pajamas all the way on, argue over who gets to use the bathroom sink first, pause to pet the dogs, swap out socks for slippers, get distracted by a book on the way back to the bathroom, change pajamas, deliberate at length about whether to use a green or blue dental flosser, pause to play, change pajamas again. Basic bedtime prep often takes them so long that, by the time they are done, it is hours post-dinner and they are hungry again. So they run to the kitchen for a piece of fruit, and then the whole getting ready for bed process starts all over.
I’ve finally let go of the fantasy that we could thoughtfully teach our kids habits and behaviors we value through Pinterest-worthy endeavors like regularly cooking or volunteering together. Especially because my husband and I both have frequent early morning, late evening, and weekend work commitments, such activities are simply impractical. On the rare occasions we do find hours of unstructured family time, all any of us want to do is enjoy each other’s company.
So I’ve been reflecting a lot on how to teach our kids responsible decision-making skills that will not only ease our daily crunch now, but last a lifetime. Skills they can draw on when faced with much weightier challenges later on, like peer pressure to engage in underage drinking.
This year, I committed to trying three specific strategies to achieve this goal:
- Role modeling: I’m acutely aware from what my kids say and do that their little eyes and ears are always watching and listening to what we do. So my husband and I are working at being intentional about modeling our own decision-making. For example, we recently openly discussed in front of our daughters a decision to swap dog and dish duty weekly and our reasons for that decision. When I head off to do more work or fold laundry at night (usually after tucking them in), I verbalize to them that, just like we expect of them, I am doing my responsibilities before I enjoy downtime.
- Give them ownership. I’ve observed that my kids tend to step up when given autonomy and balk when they feel “ordered”. So, taking a cue from Bruce Feiler’s Secrets of Happy Families toolkit, I worked with my girls to create their own checklist of daily responsibilities. Together we talked through their daily routines, and then they chose what went on their lists and when (morning or evening). We also together created a similar checklist for me. Each night after they go to bed, I set out a clean copy of each checklist, and each day we all check off items on our list as we complete them. Instead of hounding them about each and every specific task, I try to remind them simply to “check their list.” I screw up and still nag a lot, but at least now, instead of totally checking out, they tell me “Mommy, stop telling me, I know it’s on my list!”
- Listen when they talk, and talk when they are ready to listen: Our least hectic times together tend to be on the commute home from school or over the family dinner we manage to pull off a few times a week. Unsurprisingly, asking my kids “how was your day” typically results in a one-word response. So to spark more discussion, I’m practicing asking open-ended questions and letting them lead the conversation. In the car I try to verbalize even minor choices I make (e.g. “Mommy needs to check directions, so I’m looking at my phone before we leave the parking spot. If the car was moving, Mommy wouldn’t look at my phone because I wouldn’t be doing my responsibility of keeping everyone safe by focusing on the road.”). During family dinners we initiate group shares like “roses and thorns” (where we each share highlights and low points of the day) and ask if they want to hear about our day. When they say yes (which they often do), we try to share not just our roster of activities, but decisions we made and why. They occasionally even reciprocate in kind.
Since we can’t always be with our kids, we’ve also intentionally chosen aftercare and enrichment programs that model the behaviors we want them to learn and emulate. Programs that reinforce good decision-making skills, collaborative problem-solving, and healthy choices. Programs similar to the one I run, DC SCORES, which instills and reinforces those behaviors in DC’s most vulnerable schoolchildren, in partnership with Responsibility.org, which offers a wealth of free resources on how to start a conversation about responsible decision-making with kids.
Is all this working? It’s too soon to tell. Our mornings and evenings are no less frenetic. Still, I’m already starting to see inklings of change. Both my girls recently asked to add “helping mom and dad with dog and dish duty” to their daily lists. Our 8 year-old has taken to chiding us if she sees us engaging in a leisure activity before finishing those responsibilities. We are learning more about our kids’ days, which I love, and which allows us to help them process experiences and reflect on their decisions. Most importantly, I’ve noticed that conversations about making good choices happen more often and more naturally as part of our daily life in ways that reinforce – instead of undermine – our all-important emotional connection.
Do you struggle, like us, with finding time to instill life lessons around the daily juggle of work and life? Please share your tips!