It was either when Zombie Jake started crying or Jillian went through the lasagna test, but at some point in this episode we realized that we were in the midst of reality TV gold. And, as big fans of Real Housewives of New Jersey, we knew a thing or two about great reality TV. Jillian Harris might not be much of a catch, but she sure is a wonderful watch-someone-else-grab-her-and-throw-her-in-a-bucket-think-about-it-and-then-finally-figure-they-couldn't-do-much-better. That's right, we've reached the family meeting phase and we're officially in the Last Call stages of the show. Jillian Harris is gonna stumble into a cab with someone... who's it gonna be?
Jillian Harris began with Reid's family. They thought her interior design experience would be helpful in the family business of real estate. Then they watched glue harden and grass grow and water evaporate. When we woke up, we found Jillian with Michael, who tried to pull a "Parent Trap" with his brother. Jillian's stupid, but not that stupid as it worked for nearly three seconds.
Then Jillian scampered over to Kiptyn's, whose parents made the wise choice of taping off the hot tub. She threatened that that wouldn't stop her from being gross in someone else's hot tub. You know, making a good first impression. His mom left grill marks on her by asking her hypothetical, psuedo-women's lib, psuedo-new age questions. Then she poked Harris in the rear with a digital thermometer. Time to get her off the grill and into a hot tub, where she could make out with Kiptyn.
Next she galloped out to wine country to meet Jesse's Hungarian parents. His brother, who would totally be played by Jack Black in The Bachelorette: The Movie, asked if she got naughty under a quilt yet. They finished the evening with kooky dance music and tambourines.
And that's when it turned into a comic book.
Harris traipsed down to Texas to be in Wes' latest music video -- this time with his band. The first song was called "I Have a Girlfriend (and She Ain't Jillian)." Jillian swooned.
Meanwhile, Captain America abandoned flight 204 to Seattle to rescue Jillian. She received this heroic and brave quest with contempt, as if he were a plate of rubbery calamari. Jake persevered and summoned all of his will power (after a quick pick-me-up phone call with Dr. Foot Tanner) to tattle on Wes, post-rosa. Jillian didn't believe him (would you?) and told him she'd grill Wes herself. Jake obliged and reminded her that if she needed him, she could find him next to the brochure stand drinking complementary coffee in the Ramada Inn near the airport.
Jillian got her best grill face on, and grilled Wes with the ferocious flames of an unplugged George Foreman Grill. Wes continued to try to tell Jillian to get away from him, by reminding her he's not a good liar and that if she doesn't like him, then he doesn't like her either! The classic 7th grade mind game. He spoke with the gentleness of a brillo pad. But Jillian knew better - perhaps there was a lie under the lying liar's lie - and she needed to see Good and Evil battle it out in front of her. Jake and Wes took gentlemanly turns calling the other a liar until Jake left, reminding Jillian he's there for her. Whenever she sees a Boeing 767 cross the horizon, she should remember Captain America is out there - or crying on a third rate hotel balcony.
Jillian finally met Wes' family after he uninvited her. We can't agree whether Wes' girlfriend, Laurel, was also his sister, or that his "family" was a bunch of local Austin actors he hired, but they made an irresponsibly strong case for Wes as Jillian's dream-douche. She felt reassured when his platonic sister reminded Wes several times that guys would always be jealous of him.
Just when things didn't seem stupid enough, Ed lost his job and was bored, and couldn't stop thinking about Jillian Harris (and really, who CAN stop thinking about her?) and returned for a rose. Jillian did her best to hide her excitement, which is of course to say, she grinned so wide it broke our TV. Harris reminded her that he's been bad, and he'll have to make up for it, but she invited Zombie Ed to the already crowded Rose Ceremony.
Four roses for six guys, who, regardless of how base and ordinary they seem, certainly don't deserve this fate. Sadly, Reid, Kiptyn, Zombie Ed and Wes got roses. Baby Michael was sent home for more booster shots and Jesse left for his Fleetwood Mac rehearsals with his family.
Biggest Winner: Zombie Ed (2 points)
You're telling us you can take a rose, leave the show, keep the rose, come back and skip like three elimination Rose ceremonies? This guy is the chessmaster of reality dating shows!
Honorable Mention: Wes (5 points) They say that love, it don't come e--easy. Neither do record deals, and he's WORKING HARD.
Biggest Loser: Jillian (negative all the points)
Forever and from now on. Jillian is the new dumb.
Honorable mention: Zombie Jake (3 points). I get it. It's emotional. Hold it together for 10 more minutes and don't cry on national television.
Don't forget, we liveblog each week so join us for real time commentary and Bachelor Point tallying!
Scoreboard:
Team Ryan took the week 12 to 11 DESPITE two Zombies (Jake and Ed) emerging for Team Stef. Next week they battle things out fair-like with two Bachelors a side.
Team Ryan 192- Team Stef 176
TEAM RYAN (12 points this week, 192 overall)
WES (5, 38)
REID (4, 29)
JESSE (9, 32) ELIMINATED
ROBBY (0, 23) ELIMINATED
TANNER P. (0, 24) ELIMINATED
MARK (0, 15) ELIMINATED
JUAN (0, 19) ELIMINATED
SASHA (0, 7) ELIMINATED
MATHUE (0, 2) ELIMINATED
JULIEN (0, 0) ELIMINATED
TEAM STEF (11 points this week, 176 overall)
KIPTYN (3, 47)
ZOMBIE ED (2, 27) RESURRECTED
MICHAEL (3, 25) ELIMINATED
ZOMBIE JAKE (3, 20) ELIMINATED
DAVID (0, 25) ELIMINATED
MIKE (0, 12) ELIMINATED
BRAD (0, 9) ELIMINATED
TANNER F. (0, 5) ELIMINATED
SIMON (0, 2) ELIMINATED
BRIAN (0, 2) ELIMINATED
you can find a explanation of Bachelor Points at the bottom of this post