It’s a remarkable time to be a woman. More and more women are freely making choices to construct a life born from choice, not obligation or expectation. As a mother and feminist, I am proud to raise my daughter in a country that, lately, is as concerned (almost obsessed) with equality in education, health care, athletics and compensation as I am. I get giddy watching the world open up for my 3-year-old as she goes through life. (Though, yes, I hope that by the time she’s in the workforce, paid maternity leave and equal pay are a given.)
But I also have a 9-month-old son and have spent a lot of time thinking about his journey. While my daughter is hearing a steady narrative of empowerment, my son hears, at best, encouragement around sports and, at worst, crickets.
Through focused, positive support girls are outpacing boys academically, boosting their confidence and ultimately helping them fare better socially as well. But what are the implications of this societal—dare I say—over-correction? And what happens to my son when he goes out into the world? Will educators, coaches and employers be as invested in his success as they are in my daughter’s? And how do I prepare my son for this changing world that’s getting more and more competitive, dangerous and detached?
While I’m not a doctor or child psychologist and still relatively new to motherhood, here’s what I’m committing to my boy, to ensure that he, alongside his sister, grows up to be a confident, well-adjusted person.
1. We’re going to communicate so much you’re going to get annoyed with me.
I’m going to ask you questions about your day, your homework, your opinions and your feelings. I want you to be a good conversationalist, and I want you to be curious about the world, those around you and—most importantly—yourself. I will encourage you to ask for help if you need it, as well as how to give help without judgment of others. Our time together is going to be one very long conversation.
2. While we’re at it, let’s talk about sex.
In an age where sex is as easy to come by as pizza and involves just as much emotional connection, we’re going to talk a lot about sex. I don’t need to know all your business, but we’re going to talk about respecting women, meaningful sex versus one night stands, the psychological impacts of Tinder and why intimacy matters. Get comfortable being uncomfortable, son—you’re going to have the sex talk, a lot, with your mom and your dad.
3. And don’t forget empathy.
Empathy is learned, so I will do my best to expose you to other people’s situations, through friendships, charity work and any other way I can. You’re very fortunate, and I want you to realize that. We will be volunteering as a family and talking about the fact that not everyone has the opportunities that you have and will be given. It’s important to give back and be aware of the world we live in, which—let’s face it—isn’t always fair. I hope you see the truth in situations that are difficult and will learn from those who are willing to share their experiences with you.
4. The words “be a man” will never be said in our home.
In our family, you’ll see a Dad who cooks and does school drop-off, and a mom who uses a hammer and works to contribute to the household finances. Your experience in a home where the traditional is blurred will hopefully give you confidence to seek out what interests you, whether it’s trucks, art, reading or sports, and not what is defined by traditional gender roles. A strong work ethic and fearless pursuit of things that don’t come easy is where you’ll find your biggest rewards.
5. You will be taught that guns are not toys.
I believe that guns do not make you “manly,” and creating fear in others by having a gun is not masculine, it’s cowardly. Still, you need to know that guns kill, and that as I write this, unstable people are getting access to guns. Do not succumb to peer pressure if someone wants to get in his or her parent’s gun safe. If there is a gun around, I want you to be confident enough to leave the situation. If you know someone who is in danger or dangerous because of a gun, tell me and we’ll figure it out together. Don’t try and solve the problem yourself.
6. You will learn the necessities of life.
Knowing how to change a tire, understand your credit score, make pancakes, do laundry, unclog a drain and sew on a button are important life skills. I want you to have an understanding of traditional male and female roles in the house, because you won’t respect how hard the little things can be until you’ve done them yourself.
7. We will model the joy and hardships of hard work.
Your experience in life is directly related to how hard you work. This fact will be very evident from watching both of your parents as we balance life at home and in the office. And we will expect you to balance being a good student, contributing in the house and having a job, as well. If you want to make the team, buy your first car, get into a good college or land your dream job, these things are going to require hard work. A strong work ethic and fearless pursuit of things that don’t come easy is where you’ll find your biggest rewards. Enjoy the hustle.