Women have nothing more to be sorry about then men, yet the word sorry has become an ingrained part of the female vocabulary. Lena Dunham recently wrote an editorial published in the Huffington Post lamenting this interesting, albeit tragic, trend and admitting to her own propensity towards liberal usage of the phrase “I’m sorry.”
I will admit it. I often fall back on the phrase “I’m sorry,” apologizing to the girl I drive to school in the morning when I have to pick her up a little early (even though I am doing her a favor), apologizing when I have to ask a question in class (this one happens all of the time), or apologizing and then letting them go ahead when I start talking at the same time as any of my male friends.
There is nothing inherently wrong with being sorry and asking for forgiveness, but the tendency of women to apologize even when we have not done anything wrong is alarming. Amy Schumer offered a hilarious spoof on this trend, depicting a panel of accomplished women apologizing for everything from being allergic to coffee to just being alive.
Where does this propensity to be “sorry” come from? According to a 2010 study in the journal Psychological Science cited in the New York Times, “women have a lower threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.” In other words, the female tendency towards “I’m sorry” is inexorably linked to our conception of politeness, some ingrained desire to make those around us feel more comfortable, at peace, happy. As Robin Lakoff, a professor of linguistics UC Berkeley puts it to TIME magazine, “Sorry is a ritualized form meaning something like, ‘I hope this is O.K. with you. It lets people — especially women — get away with saying what the other person doesn’t want to hear.”
Long story short, while men are by-and-large unwilling to admit their faults and offer an apology, women not only have a lower threshold for what constitutes an apology, we are more willing to apologize. We use sorry as a way to soften an assertive statement in order to not seem too “bossy” or “aggressive.” “I’m sorry” is an easy way to downplay female power in order to fulfill the traditional stereotype of seeming “nice.”
You’re not a bad person if you, like me, say “I’m sorry” a lot. The fact that women are sensitive and empathetic (not guided by overinflated egos like our male counterparts) is an obvious plus. Our willingness to admit our own flaws, learn from them, and grow facilitates achievement and incredible success. As far as why we say sorry all of the time, it is simply the result of many decades of being made to feel like we have something to be sorry about.
But, now that we recognize it, we can make a change. Although it has its benefits, being sorry all of the time is not a good thing either. It undermines our power as women to assert ourselves and meet our needs, it can cause tension (or just pure annoyance) in friendships, and, most importantly, it negates the power of a real apology.
Try not being sorry about some things. Don’t be sorry for being imperfect. Let yourself be sad or mad or anything in between. Try replacing the phrase “I’m sorry” with an actual expression of your needs or desires. Stand by your beliefs and opinions, even if you feel like they might not be the most popular or might make some people feel uncomfortable. If someone cuts you off while you are talking, don’t apologize ― let them know that you weren’t finished. If someone else bumps into you, don’t apologize ― let them do that.
It’s hard to change a culture. Breaking a habit is even harder. It will likely be a long, challenging process to remove the phrase “I’m sorry” from the go-to vocabulary of women. I know personally it’s not going to be easy. That said, for the time being, we can all try to live by Beyonce’s proclamation, “Sorry, I ain’t sorry.”