It’s clear that we have a fake news problem. I just didn’t know how bad it was. Then I took it upon myself and did a little digging of my own. So get an ice cream cone ready because here comes a scoop.
Sun Chips, owned by the lying folks at Frito-Lay, do not come from the sun. I repeat, they do NOT come from the sun, and I can prove it.
“What do you mean, Jon? They’re called Sun Chips. It’s literally in the name. I’m stressed.” I know, I was just as shocked as you. As a tax-paying citizen who takes snacking seriously (I even participated in the left v right twix stuff), I was appalled. I didn’t sleep for days. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the Donald Trump level of deceptiveness going on right in front of our eyes.
But I also wanted to hear the company out. I wanted to get to the bottom of this.
I compiled a list of initial questions.
- Isn’t the sun, like, really hot? (Note: Sun Chips aren’t hot at all)
- Sometimes I’m too lazy to even walk to the pantry to get a snack. Do people actually go back and forth to the sun for these chips?
- Why aren’t there Moon Chips?
- Why are some Carly Rae Jepsen songs really catchy?
- Will I ever get married?
Next, I made a plan.
The first thing I did was go straight to the source to examine the bag and overall brand. I set my alarm for 6:30am, called in sick to work, and bunkered down in a nearby motel to get started. (Another note: probably didn’t have to buy a motel room but better safe than sorry).
Exhibit A
Just as I suspected. There it was, front and center. “Sun Chips.” Not a single disclaimer or even a hat tip to the fact that these chips may be made here on Earth.
Is the FBI hiring?
Ok ok enough with the jokes, what about the back of the bag? Surely there is something about the sun in the ingredients section.
Exhibit B
Nope. Nothing. There’s fucking onion powder and whole quinoa oil. There’s romano fucking cheese and buttermilk. But nothing even remotely hinting that these chips could are made from the sun. What’s more, look at the address included on the bag.
Seriously, how dumb does Frito-Lay think we are? Open your eyes, people. I didn’t major in geography and I even know that North America isn’t on the sun. I was getting closer to something big. I could feel it. Still, I wanted to cover my tracks.
I went undercover and travelled to my local CVS in hopes of finding something. Here is a photo:
(Hate to interrupt here, but if you haven’t tried Honey BBQ Fritos you definitely should)
As you can see, even in a store setting there is no signage nor anything that would educate customers as to where Sun Chips actually come from. Misleading much?
I reached out to a CVS employee for a comment, “Why are you wearing a fake mustache and please leave now” she said. Of course. She must have been hired by Frito-Lay to keep people like me off the trail. But I wouldn’t stand down. I was raised to fight for what’s right — in life, and in snacks.
I took my investigation to Twitter.
So many followers. All sheep with no sense of what’s going on.
My first observation is that the Sun Chips social media team tries to cover up Sun Chips-Gate by being nice.
@Shane what do you know?
I bought a burner phone to call the number above, but no answer. Suspicious.
I noticed that they even try to be patriotic to win over customers.
Disgusting. Wake me up from this hell.
At this point I thought I had enough evidence for a Supreme Court case. I’ll also point out that I just watched a Gatorade commercial and it got me pumped up and I was feeling pretty confident. So I tried to get in contact with Frito-Lay yet again.
Do you see how I put “sun” in quotes? I wanted to let them know that I was serious from the beginning. An old detective trick.
I submitted my comments.
Transcript: Hi There,
I hope you’re having a great weekend. Do you have weekends on the sun? My name is Jon Savitt & I am a v serious journalist and a loyal chip lover. That’s actually why I’m reaching out. Since Sun Chips were invented in 1991 (yes I know my facts), you have been falsely advertising that they come from the sun. I have spent the better half of ~2 hours investigating this claim and have yet to reach the conclusion that this is true or even possible. Liars are not cool and also bad. Please change the name of these chips ASAP or I will see you in court. Love all ur chips though. -Jon
I have still not heard from Frito-Lay. Probably because they are scared and crying. Crying like babies. They know I can bring them down, but they can’t hide forever.
#journalism
Are you following?
Look again.
Some people may say this isn’t a winnable case. Sad! Others may say that the Sun Chips mystery is up there with the Bermuda Triangle or people who wake up early to run before work. Me? Well, I’m just a regular handsome guy willing to fight to my death to ensure that our chips are working for us, and not the other way around. Does that make me a hero? No.
Actually, yeah.
See you in court, Frito-Lay.
Will update this piece as more information is available.