10 Worst Things About Being An Old Mom
The hardest part of being a parent is witnesses.
1. Other people. You will get eyeballs on you. When others ask, “Aw, are you her Grandma?” just smile and sweetly say, ‘No, I’m just her really old mom.”
That will:
a. Shut them up.
b. Scare them off.
c. Get you a compliment/apology.
And an extra added bonus —
d. They will think twice before asking that of anyone else! You’re welcome.
2. Font sizes. Your kid’s sick, you’re tired, stressed and can’t find your cheaters to read the dosing directions on baby medication bottles. The font size on most bottles is only legible to toddlers, who cannot read yet. Keep Poison Control on speed dial. Same goes for many Children’s Book Publishers! Parents need to be able to read in dim, sleep-inducing light at all hours and children learn to read from your books. Font it 18 or up. Ink’s not that spendy!
3. When your kid’s in their twenties, you’ll be officially old, which is the best incentive to take exemplary care of oneself starting right now. Red wine and pomegranate gummy bears are superfoods, right?
4. Menopause and mothering. If you think that sounds hard, just remember how hard it (and you) will be on your husband. There are options besides sweaty rages and peanut butter binges. Talk to your doctor or just read Night Sweats & Night Feedings.
5. Your parents will be older too. They might not babysit as actively or host sleepovers for your kid. But my grandparents seemed ancient when I was little, and they were in their forties... so it’s pretty much a toss up.
6. Curiosity. Again with the eyes of other people. Especially if your child is a different race. While educating folks about adoption is awesome, we’d rather not be asked “Why didn’t her real mother want her?” in front of our child. Check out Race Relations for information about educating others about transracial adoption!
7. You will be old enough to parent many of the other parents you will meet and befriend. But they are all great people, because they were raised in the 1980s and 1990s.
8. People will tell you, “When I’m your age, I hope I’m just like you.” Which is a compliment, but it’s also karmic payback for all the times you said that to older, wiser people when you were a young, snot-nosed dope.
9. It will be sad to explain to your child why you won’t be able to produce a sibling for them. Unless you are that unbelievably fierce, professional Old Mom who will just go ahead and do it.
10. Getting old is hard. Even if you firmly believe age is just a number, consider your fifties to be the ‘Warning Years’. Two glasses of wine takes a hell of a lot more recovery time than it did when you were 30.
10 Awesomest Things About Being An Old Mom
1. You’ve done all your clubbing/partying/road-tripping. You’re thrilled for a great reason to stay home.
2. You’re more patient, experienced and empathetic. You already know how to handle crazy bosses, neighbors and insane and/or drunk family members, so children are relatively easy to deal with.
3. If you were raised in the 1960s and the 1970s, remember this ― as long as you don’t do what your parents did, you’re doing an incredible job.
4. Since you survived being parented before parenting became a verb, as well as survived your twenties, thirties, forties and childbirth or adoption, you know how not to sweat the small stuff. Watching your kid freak out over truly small stuff won’t freak you out.
5. You probably have older nieces and nephews, so you’ve already done tons of pinch-hit parenting. And your nieces and nephews will love hanging with your kid.
6. Hand-me-downs from everyone on Earth who became parents before us. We have clothes lined up until she is nineteen.
7. When you do get to sleep, it will be well-earned, deep and profoundly deserved.
8. You will feel younger chasing your kid around. All their physical energy will rub off on you. Until it doesn’t.
9. Showing your child and a lot of much younger parents the wildly violent, racist and sexist (as compared to today’s PC standards) Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse cartoons of your childhood.
10. Children organize your lives. What’s truly important becomes infinitely clear. To get to love and be loved by someone who not only needs you but requires you is a privilege that you have earned with all the life you’ve already lived. Extra added bonus? You got lots to teach.
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