Thanksgiving week is here but for many of us, it can feel difficult to get to a place of gratitude given the uncertainty and continued divisiveness of the past few weeks. As we head into our national holiday of gratitude and togetherness many people are apprehensive, conflicted, and having a difficult time bridging divides that have been forged in recent months. Gratitude seems to be the last thing on our minds.
Last week I was at the Carter Center’s annual mental health policy symposium and one of the speakers, Vic Strecher, described how he felt after his daughter was diagnosed with a life-threatening heart defect, saying that it was as though everything had turned to technicolor. That description -- of grappling with difficult emotions but finding pops of color and light in the midst of it -- resonated with me, and fit with how I’ve been feeling lately. Despite my uncertainty and concern, I have found moments of profound gratitude and peace over the past weeks, in unexpected places. Below are some examples that may seem simple or mundane but they are specific, powerful strategies that have made a positive difference for me in these trying times.
1. Feel your feelings and be gentle with yourself.
The angst and stress that we were all hoping would subside after the election has lingered, and even amplified, for many people. After endless months of this strain, we need to be extra vigilant in our self care and compassion. We do this by accepting and expressing what we may judge as unacceptable feelings like grief and rage, and by being gentle and forgiving with ourselves. Self forgiveness is the first step in forgiving others and creating more harmonious relationships. Especially during stressful times, we all need to pay close attention to how we are feeling, both emotionally and physically, so we can take the necessary steps to stay balanced and healthy.
2. Let the children be our teachers.
I have been pleasantly surprised (though perhaps I shouldn’t be) by some of the post-election responses I’ve seen from children. They are so pure in heart and intention that they have been offering wisdom and serving as examples to us all.
A powerful example was the following Facebook post, shared by a friend a few days after the election. It’s a letter, written by his son to the President-Elect, and it models the reconciliatory, open-minded spirit that we all need to embrace in order to move forward as a nation.
“Dear Donald J Trump,
Hello my name is Cosimo Lopez, I am 11 years old and I have a little sister. I was routing for Hillary Clinton to win the election. I originally thought you were a bad person but I also know that everyone has good inside and can accomplish anything their heart desires. I have confidence that what your heart desires will benefit America. P.S. I also think that everyone should be treated fairly no matter who they are.
From Cosimo Lopez NYC.”
3. Take action.
When emotions are running high, and we’re feeling overwhelmed and uncertain, it’s common to be taken over by paralysis. It can be tempting to withdraw, to retreat from the conflict. Bombarded by differing opinions (or, by never-ending repetition of the same), we can become trapped in victim mode. In another example of the wisdom of children, the morning after the election on the ride to school, my son reminded me of the importance of taking action and maintaining an empowered mindset.
As we drove to school on that historic day I was visibly upset, fighting back tears. When he asked me what was going on, I explained what the election outcome could possibly mean for our work at the Flawless Foundation and the people and causes we advocate for. I expressed my deep sense of loss for all of the people who would have benefitted from Hillary Clinton’s mental health agenda. I told him that some of the thought leadership of colleagues of mine was even written into Hillary’s plan for safe and healthier schools. He listened patiently, and when I was finished, he said: “Mom, I think you should write Donald Trump a letter and ask him what he plans to do about education and mental health. Be nice and treat him with respect. And then offer to help him on this topic. Mom, you’ve gotta do it for all the people and kids who need this.”
My son reminded me, in that difficult moment, that by taking action we can all make an impact. There’s a time for reflection, and for taking it all in, and then we must act according to our values. Each of us has a voice, and an important role to play.
4. Heal through small acts of kindness and connection.
Acts of kindness have been my medicine, and I’ve tried to practice it in small ways each day. On the morning after Election Day I brought a festive candle to a friend who had invited us for Thanksgiving and we had a lovely moment of connection. A few days later on Veteran’s Day I baked cookies for the veterans who work at my son’s school and received the most poignant thank you note that made me feel connected to someone I had never met at the school. Last weekend we made time as a family to visit an elderly relative in a nursing home during a brief visit to New York, which was so heartwarming. These are simple actions but I’m finding that prioritizing generosity and love in my daily life is helping me ground and recenter in the place where I most want to be -- that deepest core of human divinity.
By reaching out and connecting, bit by bit, we undo the division that has impacted our nation and re-weave the fabric of our communities, both small and large. Through everyday actions, we each play our individual part to “be the change,” countering separation with connection, and fear and hatred with kindness. Even if our acts of kindness are anonymous, we are giving ourselves a gift: a reminder of the human capacity for goodness. In doing so we soothe our souls and begin to heal.
5. Focus on simplicity and positivity.
Turn off the TV. Log off social media. We have the choice -- we can let negativity drown out the light, or we can make a conscious effort to bring sources of open-heartedness into our days. Try and get outside and enjoy nature. Notice what’s good and beautiful around you. Try to resist the external rollercoaster of intensity and reactivity, and instead opt for what’s soothing and balancing.
If we shift our focus, we can find joy in unexpected places. A week ago I was walking in my neighborhood and came across some very elaborate Christmas decorations. Usually, I am dismissive of Christmas decorations being put up before Thanksgiving, but this time I welcomed this source of light, wonder and excitement. And amidst the many heated posts in my Facebook feed, I saw a video that so beautifully reflected our capacity for connection and joy that I was moved to tears. In it, a woman named Mrs. Rooney was working at a community center in North Carolina and gave a mink coat to Ms. Betty, one of the members of the community who loves beauty and fashion. They were hugging and crying tears of joy and were both bonded in pure love like two kids on Christmas morning.
This time of year is full of reminders of the light in our lives, if we can just open our eyes and hearts to receive it. Family, friends, tradition, warmth, celebration, and ritual are all around us, even in simple, easily overlooked places. As we launch into the season of light, I’d like to share one of my favorite Thanksgiving blogs from The Meeting House, which reminds us of the myriad ways to bring these simple holiday values into our everyday lives all year round. If each of us chooses just one of these practices we’ll begin to heal from within, connect with others and carry that light out into the world where we can truly give thanks!