Co-written with Shani Rosenbaum, who is also living and dating in Jerusalem. This article describes a real experience Shani had on OKCupid.
At 12:58am last July, Donald Trump messaged me on OKCupid.
OK, it probably wasn’t actually Donald Trump. But as the world buzzes recently over a certain presidential hopeful’s casual “jokes” about sexual assault, I can’t help but wonder if the message that flashed across my screen that night came from the very same guy.
It began as it often begins:
“Hi, I’m Prince Charming [1],” said the message. “Would love to get to know you.”
Not an all-star opener, but he was sort of cute. He had a sweet smile, no nearly-naked mirror selfies, and hadn’t displayed over-enthusiasm for emojis. Plus, we were an 87 percent match.
For those who don’t know, OKCupid matches clients based upon randomly generated questions related to lifestyle and values. You can scroll through a person’s answers to get a sense of whether you might get along. Which is what I did ― excited that I might have (finally) found someone who shared my values.
Then I saw this:
I’m not sure if I was more shocked by his answer or by OKCupid including a multiple-choice question related to sexual consent. Yet as “locker room banter” debates dominate American discourse, I’ve noticed that a lot of people are confused about consent - and realized that dating sites have a role in solving this problem.
Let’s be clear: among the following answers OKCupid offers to this question, only one is correct:
No means NO! Always. Period.
A person who chooses one of the other options ― as my suitor did ― either
1) does not understand what constitutes consent in a sexual encounter;
2) does not care if consent is present; or
3) thinks jokes about consent are funny.
Let’s give Prince Charming the benefit of the doubt and assume he falls into Category 3. He simply thinks it’s funny to “pretend” that he believes everyone wants sex with him ― even if they make it clear they don’t. LOL.
You might be thinking that OKCupid achieved its aims: Flagged that our values do not align, since he thinks rape jokes are funny, and I don’t. Yet regardless of intentions, for people seeking safe romantic encounters this ambiguous question raises more questions than answers.
First, jokes about consent are not a matter of taste. Research suggests that rape jokes perpetuate a culture that doesn’t prioritize consent, with potentially dangerous consequences. As the “New York Times” reported, “studies provide some evidence that hearing sexist jokes does make men more tolerant of rape.” A recent British study found that many men could not distinguish between quotes from rapists and quotes from magazines geared toward men.
Second, while many of the site’s questions raise ethically controversial questions, this one is different, because it relates to users’ physical safety. The question and its range of selectable answers may reinforce flippant attitudes toward consent; moreover, some users may miss this optional question entirely, and thus have no reliable mechanism for identifying ― and avoiding ― potential partners who don’t understand consent or take it seriously.
“OkCupid needs to treat consent with the seriousness and attentiveness the topic demands...”
OkCupid needs to treat consent with the seriousness and attentiveness the topic demands, not as just another question to determine compatibility; otherwise, it may be reinforcing “locker room banter” mentality in the minds of its clientele.
Men are more likely to rape if they don’t think they are rapists, and studies indicate that many people of all genders cannot define rape or sexual assault. OkCupid and its competitors could be on the forefront of combating this issue globally. Just imagine: What if the almost 100 million people using dating sites and apps learned about sexual consent?
Some of the many possibilities for achieving this include:
1. Websites like OkCupid that match compatibility based on questions can ask a consent-related question (like the one above), but ensure that all users answer and that people who do so incorrectly are redirected to educational materials.
2. Require everyone to complete a short webinar and quiz on sexual consent when they register.
3. Alternatively, it could be an optional but highly encouraged webinar. User profiles will clearly indicate who has completed it so that people will both be pressured to participate and can make informed decisions about who to meet.
User participation doesn’t need to be time-consuming or laborious. For example, a dating app could elaborate on the now famous “Tea Consent” video followed by a short quiz. This is just a start to the conversation ― I am confident sex educators could develop something suitable, and many universities have already created precedents.
As a member of your primary target audience ― 20-something women ― I wouldn’t hesitate to choose one dating site over its many competitors if understanding consent was a barrier to entry.
Meanwhile, I’ve disabled my OKCupid account. Prince Charming, however, still seems hopeful his rape witticisms will win him a date: A year later, he still has not changed his answer to the consent question.
At a time when we cannot trust public figures and discourse to promote a healthy culture relating to sexual consent, it is imperative that institutions, companies, communities, and individuals take the lead. OkCupid, Tinder, Match.com, Hinge ― the next move is yours.
[1] Name changed for the purpose of anonymity as I am sharing something about this person that I believe he should find embarrassing.