The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
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WHY WOMEN HAVE IT GOOD, ACCORDING TO MEN:
— priya (@priya_ebooks) May 30, 2017
1) sex on demand
2) ladies nights
3) ...sex
4) sometimes men pay for our meals
5) ...?
6) sex
pro tip: never check your bank account at 8 a.m. after a long weekend without first drinking coffee
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) May 30, 2017
DATING TIP: When you open a hot oven and get really close it feels like a hug without having to touch anyone
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) May 31, 2017
cut the shit, I'm not grinding up cauliflower to make a healthy bagel bite, I will see you in hell first. bagel hell
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) May 30, 2017
"what we gettin into tonight 😈" - me to my bed at 9:21 PM
— Shakira (@jodecicry) May 30, 2017
My boyfriend made brown sugar candied bacon which is the food form of dangerous and unbridled desire
— Mary-Devon Dupuy (@DevoDupuy) May 30, 2017
'you can't cut people off your life over political opinions'
— 🕊 (@bilrac) May 30, 2017
me: pic.twitter.com/OF2ngnfAbi
I want to watch video of every time I'm talking on my phone and simultaneously looking for my phone.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) May 31, 2017
what if i had a dating show called 'who wants to date trace' and the theme song was those words to the tune of 'who let the dogs out'
— Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) May 31, 2017
When I put in a new tampon and five minutes later think, "but did I take out my old tampon?" pic.twitter.com/8gMeZspIvn
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) May 27, 2017
for those of you mad about a female-only showing of "Wonder Woman," remember that for 100s of years you got male-only showings of "voting"
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) May 30, 2017
Holding a special all male screening of Wonder Woman where the very reasonable price of admission is the elimination of the wage gap.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 28, 2017
me: how old is your baby?
— Erica (@SCbchbum) June 1, 2017
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Trump calls his investigation a witch hunt. Witch, please. pic.twitter.com/0NFBuQhRvm
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) June 1, 2017
It's all fun and games until you have to catch up on email
— Brit Bennett (@britrbennett) May 30, 2017
95% of having a job is just saying “sounds good!”
— Jessica Misener (@jessmisener) June 1, 2017
A girl at my work is crying and I'm pissed because that's my thing.
— Monica (@Monicann86) June 2, 2017
Trump's advisors at this point pic.twitter.com/q9c20zzwSQ
— Heben Nigatu (@heavenrants) May 31, 2017
It's crazy how far my high school boyfriend went to make me jealous- ignored me for 15 yrs & is now married with a kid. He's not fooling me.
— beth can't with this (@bourgeoisalien) May 27, 2017
Maybe if we start calling it Unborn Baby Earth instead of Mother Earth republicans will be more concerned with its well-being.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 2, 2017