The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
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me: applies for a job
— farwz (@farwzz) July 5, 2017
me two minutes later: omg why haven't I heard from them yet I knew I'd be rejected ugh what a waste of time
The best place to see fireworks is close your eyes and think of the last time u saw fireworks bc guess what that's what it looks like
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) July 5, 2017
jay z: what's better than one billionaire
— Ziwe (@ziwe) July 5, 2017
me: wealth distribution
Suddenly I understand why he won't have dinner with a woman who isn't his wife. pic.twitter.com/Vk2BLDRadR
— shauna (@goldengateblond) July 7, 2017
Today is my cheat day so I just ordered a pizza and opened a secret off-shore account.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 5, 2017
i've found if you say "well well well" as soon as someone sits down across from you, you immediately get the upper hand for about 2 seconds.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 6, 2017
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) July 3, 2017
just got off the phone with my mom. she had a nice conversation.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) July 5, 2017
I NEED TO KNOW WHY EVERYONE SAID I COULD SAVE MONEY BRINGIN LUNCH TO WORK ITS 9:43 I ATE THE LUNCH NOW I HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER LUNCH FOR LUNCH pic.twitter.com/hKd6p2AaiA
— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) July 3, 2017
The Winning Email™ in my spam folder today: "Earn Money from Videos!"
— Alli Speed (@AlliSpeed) July 6, 2017
Shit, guys. If I only knew earlier...
I wish I could clone myself & have clone me take pictures of me because clone me will understand my vision & my angles
— Alissa Ashley (@alissa_ashleyy) July 5, 2017
If you see a tweet you don't like, be sure to tell that person. They're here to please you, the most intelligent person on the internet.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) July 7, 2017
Me when men other than my man flirt with me pic.twitter.com/psc6gh6uJ5
— maria (@cakefacedcutie) July 6, 2017
ME: what do u call a friendly pizza?
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) July 7, 2017
ME: a personal pizza
WAITER: i think u mean "personable"
M:
W: did u want the personal pizza
M: ya yes
I've decided to smash my face affectionately into strangers legs since it works so well for cats.
— Amanda Brooke Perrin (@brookeperrin) July 7, 2017
Future: bdndnnfksvdjkkcndm
— MannieFresh Destiny (@no_CEElings) July 7, 2017
Me: man idk what the fuck rappers be saying this music is ass
Blue Ivy: bdndnnfksvdjkkcndm
Me: pic.twitter.com/rwBAEZz12v
'Cuz baby you're a firework.
— Kaitlin Reilly (@reillytweets) July 5, 2017
You're loud and you scare my dog.
FINE.
— Alexis Kleinman (@alexiskleinman) July 7, 2017
I'LL ADMIT IT.
I LIKE THE WAY TUMS TASTE.
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW??!!!!!
I can't believe the President of the United States met for over two hours with Donald Trump
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) July 7, 2017
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for me arguing with men is 5% actual effort and 95% getting the conversation back on track after they try to derail it.
— king crissle (@crissles) July 5, 2017
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