As the journey continues with Lori Ann Davis, whose skills and guidance are assisting me in calling into my life, the partner of my dreams and desires, insights are arising at lightning speed. I first discovered this relationship powerhouse via a series she is part of called Radical Dating. It is aimed at those of us over 40 (I’m 58) who are seeking healthy, sustained unions. Through previous HuffPost articles, I have been shining the light on my process and offering it as a flashlight to others who might also be traversing what sometimes feels like a treacherous path with all kids of unexpected twists and turns.
Here are some updates: since my last session with Lori Ann, I have been working on weeding out what I want and don’t want in relationships. Much like clearing a garden, it feels important to remove wild growth that could be choking out the riotous beauty of the flowers. For me, that takes the form of erroneous beliefs that I am either too much or not enough for a man to welcome into his life. She asked me to list my requirements in a relationship.
*Affectionate in word and action
*Respectful of each other
*Open and easy communication
*Open mindedness
*We are a team
*Financially well off, stable and responsible
*Grow financially together
*We nourish each other and the world
*We each encourage each others’ personal growth
*We love expansively
*We welcome each others’ circles of family and friends
*We have all kinds of fun adventures
*We are both emotionally healthy
*We generously share what we have
*Reliability, accountability and trustworthiness
*He is social media savvy and active as am I
*Preferably at ease in the spotlight and shares it willingly with me
*Teaching and writing and traveling together
*A sense of feeling at home with each other
*No second guessing
*Solid sense of spirituality
*Keeps a clean environment and respects his space and mine
*We have both ‘we’ time and ‘me’ time
*He and I are both ready, willing and able to love each other fully
In the interceding time, I have had two other encounters that are noteworthy. Each one honed my preferences and the second one stretched my heart further.
The first was a man who had contacted me on OKCupid. His message was not generic, but rather, personal as if he had taken the time to actually read my profile and respond in a conversational manner. As I read his profile, it seemed that he embodied the qualities I was seeking in a partner. He also lives close by...BONUS! We messaged a few times, spoke on the phone once and arranged to have dinner together mid-week. I arrived at the restaurant, only to discover that he wasn’t there. I waited 15 minutes and then called him and left a voice mail message. When I still didn’t hear from him, I drove home, a bit miffed. About 20 minutes later, he texts me and apologizes as he lets me know that he was in the ER with his mother who had a cardiac emergency. Of course I understood, wished them well and over the next 24 hours, checked in a few times to see how she was doing. He was giving me updates and thanking me for support, with loving responses. We had agreed to get together a few days later, at a retreat location where a friend worked. Travel time was about two hours for each of us. I headed up earlier in the day, with the agreement that he would be there around 4:00 pm. I was enjoying lounging with friends and when the appointed time came and went, once again, I called him. He responded in a text, explaining that there had been an unexpected visit from out of state relatives and he was “sorry to miss our evening.” Although I have a particularly long fuse, I immediately erupted in a WTF?! reaction that my friends applauded. Keep in mind that this message came through only after I had reached out, and he still had not left home. I wondered if he would have let me know otherwise. NEXT! I still wanted to respond but waited for a few days to cool down. In between, he shot over mundane, ‘Whatcha doing?” greetings. When I did get back to him, let him know that it was a courtesy only. I explained the inappropriateness of his actions and told him that integrity and keeping my word are important values I hold. I wished him well and told him I was moving on.
At the same time as this drama was playing out, I received a message from a dear friend who had been my sweetie back in my late teens/early 20’s. We remained in touch all these years. He asked to get together since he had something he wanted to talk to me about. I drove to his place on the same night that this other man flaked out. As we sat next to each other on his sofa, he expressed wanting to rekindle the flame. I reminded him that we were no longer the kids we were back then and that we needed to get to know the 58 year olds we are at present, with three marriages (his two and my one) and more than 30 years of life experience between then and now. While we still maintain similar values (socially, spiritually, sexually, culturally), we have different lifestyles and needs. We experimented with a different relationship model and realized within a few weeks that it wasn’t going to work out as we had intended. Neither of us did anything wrong and it didn’t feel like a breakup. The love and connection remain present. I treasure the time we had together.
When talking with Lori Ann yesterday, she commended me for walking away peacefully. She also reminded me that I was “flexing my ability to attract muscles.” She encouraged me with the idea that I was living my life and would find someone to enhance it. Being more intentional, ready and available were good goals to which I would ascribe.
One of the roadblocks I had cast in my way had to do with worthiness to receive. She offered the affirmation, “I am worthy of the best that love and life have to offer.” As I have repeated those words multiple times since then, they resonate deeply.
As the journey continues, I wonder what wonders will occur today.