You have heard of ‘Seven Year Itch.’ It’s a measurement of time that people throw around to suggest marriage goes downhill after the first seven years.
The phrase is not based on anything psychological or scientifically sound, it is not evidence or research based. In fact, the phrase was originally used to describe a contagious skin complaint.
Later, the Seven Year Itch was a play by George Axelrod adapted in 1955 as a film with Marilyn Monroe. The title described the ill-fated urges that happen after seven years of commitment.
However, there may be some truth to the idea that life goes in cycles. Did you know that most couples divorce after being married an average of seven years? * Did you know many divorces happen when the kids are an average of seven years old?
The idea of the seven-year itch has expanded to define a decrease in happiness and satisfaction often seen over long periods of time in committed relationships. And life can seem like it goes in cycles. This makes sense when you remember that even our cells fully replace themselves every seven years.
What if we used this information, the idea of development cycles in relationships and in ourselves, as ways to make conscious choices in our marriage or current committed partnership? We can use this cyclical information to complete one stage of marriage or commitment and begin a new one. We could make this cycle better than the last one.
I designed the following Seven Questions to help you in your next relationship cycle, to create a stronger and more connected partnership. The questions can help you bring a new vision of the relationship you want to your next seven years. Don’t just go along with the clichés and settle for a less than passionate romance just because you have been together for an odd number of years. The following questions, when used in an intimate conversation, can create a new level of intimacy that can change the course of your future.
Go through the questions and answer each as honestly as you can. Listen closely to your partner’s answers. Let them know that you have heard them. Mirror back to them, “So what I heard you say was…” This can let your partner know that you really got what they were trying to tell you. There is no need to respond, change, defend yourself or change. Intentional listening is powerful enough.
Here are the Seven Questions:
What is one thing you have liked about being married to me?
What do you hope to learn from me in the future?
How do you long to be a better person and how can I help?
What is one way I can help you be more creative?
What is one thing you like and value about me as a person?
What is one thing you are grateful for?
What is one thing you think I long for?
BONUS QUESTION: What is one thing you want to create in our marriage going forward?
When you have both answered the seven questions, (and the BONUS QUESTION if you have been brave enough to go all the way) talk about how you feel. How has your relationship changed from just discussing your answers? Do you have a new vision for the next seven year cycle of your marriage?
Need more help? To find help with your future go to www.drtammynelson.com. Dr Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship therapist and the author of The New Monogamy.
(*National Center for Health Statistics says the average median duration of marriage in1990 was 7.2 years. While these statistics can fluctuate from year to year, the averages stay relatively close to the seven year mark.)