Michael Ian Black’s got plenty of fodder for parenting humor.
The comedian has two teenage children ― a daughter named Ruth and son Elijah. Over the years, Black has shared some witty, bizarre and hilariously hyperbolic thoughts about raising kids on Twitter.
In honor of his birthday, we’ve rounded up some of his funniest parenting tweets. Enjoy!
PARENTING MILESTONE: Just said "Goodnight, motherfucker" to my son.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 30, 2015
Helping my daughter with her homework. Giving her a 25% discount out of love.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 13, 2017
Just hugged my daughter after she got home. She told me my breath smelled. Pretty good compliment today.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 14, 2012
Since having a daughter nine years ago, my tolerance for glitter has taken a pretty severe nosedive.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) September 4, 2012
Next up this morning: watching my daughter shrug when her drum teacher asks if she practiced last week.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 7, 2015
Either my son hates music or music hates my son. Either way, he is practicing the cello.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) February 3, 2010
Practically doing a rain dance over here in the hopes of having my daughter's field hockey game canceled.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 1, 2014
Watching "Frozen" again with my daughter because we paid $19.99 to download it so she's going to fucking watch it every day until college.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 9, 2014
My son is so bad at sports I'm starting to think I might actually be his father.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 19, 2012
My daughter has been looking at the American Girl website so long some of the dolls have started puberty.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 5, 2012
My kids want us all to watch "Stranger Things" together as a family, but I told them it's too scary for them because it's too scary for me.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) August 22, 2016
The only thing I regret about having a daughter is TeenNick.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 24, 2014
Just got back from my daughter's fourth grade band concert. She was terrible.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 28, 2013
For my daughter's 8th grade yearbook, we sent in old photos and I wrote: "You are our second-favorite child." Father of the year.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) February 13, 2017
My daughter's first basketball game is tomorrow so I'm practicing changing my disappointed face into my "I'm proud of you" face.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 1, 2012
Weighing how upset I will be if I go to the mall versus how upset my kids will be if they don't get any Christmas presents.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 21, 2013
At dinner tonight, my son called me a "D-list celebrity." As a father, I have never felt more proud.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 23, 2017
Taking my son to a professional basketball match tonight, thus ensuring some sporty father/son memories for when I am dead.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) February 27, 2013
My daughter is at her friend's house and needs to be picked up but why the fuck is that MY problem?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 25, 2016
My sixth grader son has a report on Egypt due tomorrow, so I'm excited to spend the day writing a report on Egypt.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 27, 2013
Dear Santa, I just bought my daughter a cupcake maker I will tell her is from you so you owe me fifty dollars and fuck you.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 19, 2011
Going to read to my daughter's first grade class today. I hope they like Chuck Palahniuk.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 19, 2010
My daughter accused me of eating one of the full-size Twix bars she got on Halloween. I told her I would never do that, but I did. Fuck her.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 4, 2015
Just texted my daughter: "You are at school and I am hanging out having fun. HA HA HA!!!" I am an awesome father.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) October 13, 2015
My seventh grade daughter is joining lacrosse, which seems like a giant fuck you to seventh grade me.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 5, 2016
Fellow parents: when my daughter asks if I want to help her study for her math test, the correct answer is "no," right?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) April 20, 2017
Currently in a heart-pounding race against my time between my tea getting cool enough to drink versus when I have to pick up my daughter.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 17, 2014
Today I'm taking my daughter and her friend kayaking. They're going to kayak. I'm going to watch and complain about everything.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 17, 2015
Father of the year: was watching @marcmaron on Netflix say "Viagra: for when you want to fuck anything" as my daughter's 1st friend arrived.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 16, 2014
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