Content warning: personal stories of sexual violence.
I am writing this, because I know that I am not alone. In the past few weeks, millions of women have been subjected to dehumanizing political rhetoric and commentary, whether by news outlets, acquaintances, or family. I’m here to tell you that your experiences are not just a distraction from what “really matters.” What’s going on is much bigger than Donald Trump and the election.
This past weekend I was visiting family in Texas, and as always, they were watching Fox News. Whenever I visit them, I usually try my best to tune everything out. I pick and choose my battles. Any left-leaning person with an overwhelmingly conservative family will understand what I mean.
The living room commentary inevitably began when a segment on Trump’s latest sexual assault allegation came on, and a male family member ended up crossing the line.
To make a long story short, this male family member began defending Trump, parroting conservative news outlets by saying that this was merely a “political distraction.” He went on to say that Democrats and the liberal media don’t genuinely care about women.
I replied that even if these groups’ intentions are not genuine, it still doesn’t make the sexual assault accusations unimportant. Sexual violence against women is a pandemic national issue and should not be dismissed. I casually mentioned that even within my own life, I have experienced things like groping ― something that Trump has enthusiastically spoken about in public.
At this point, this man just wants me to shut up. With a rising voice, he tells me, “You don’t know what groping is ― you don’t know anything. One day, you’ll know what real groping is...”
That was my cue to leave. In the 30 minutes it took me to get ready and pack my things, my most egregious memories of sexual assault flooded my mind. I’m going to share these with you in chronological order. For some reason, I remember exactly what I was wearing in each instance. Maybe it’s because I was raised thinking that “modesty” would help prevent these situations. Lastly, what I am about to tell you does not even begin to consider workplace harassment and other unwanted advances from both strangers and acquaintances.
Elementary school: My family and I were at a popular Texas waterpark. While we were there, my parents briefly befriended another family sitting next to us near an overcrowded, loud pool area. While my parents were distracted, a man from that family began talking to me. He noticed I had a stray string sticking out from my blue one-piece near my behind. As he burned off the string with his cigarette lighter, he put his hand in my bathing suit and squeezed hard. I was already a quiet child, and the man scared me. I looked at him. I looked at my preoccupied parents. It happened in less than 15 seconds. I thought that maybe I was overreacting. After all, he thought it was okay to do it in public.
September 2009: During my second semester as a 19 year-old transfer student at UT Austin, I went on a date with another student I met through mutual friends. He invited me to his apartment to hangout, watch television, and show me new music. I was wearing a purple and navy blue striped dress, black tights, black flats, a pink bra, and cotton panties with a lightbulb pattern. After two glasses of wine, I started to feel sick and tired. He said I could lay down in his bed until I felt better. When I woke up, he was raping me. I never reported it because I willfully went on a date with him. I willfully drank his wine. I willfully got into his bed. At the time, a part of me thought I deserved it, and I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought I was a disgusting human being. The impact on my mental health led me to make dangerous decisions that semester, and I nearly dropped out of UT. It has been a year since my last nightmare, and until last weekend, I hadn’t thought about it for a while.
July 2010: On my last night of study abroad in Brazil, I decided to go to a dance club with a group of friends. It was a very crowded, dark club in the Lapa district of Rio de Janeiro. I started dancing with a stranger, as many people do at clubs. Very soon after, he forcefully grabbed me by the vagina. When I pushed him away, he promptly left the club. I was wearing grey shorts, a baggy black shirt, and black Chucks.
July 2012: By this time, I was a Teach for America corps member with a year of teaching under my belt. I had graduated from UT Austin with a 3.9 GPA before my service. Life was great. A group of corps members decided to have a house party celebrating our last free weekend of summer. One of the corps members brought a childhood friend that was not invited. The uninvited guest stared at me in ways that scared me, so I made it a point of staying next to my now fiancé. At one point, my fiancé, the uninvited guest and I were sitting on the couch. I purposefully put a large couch cushion between me and the man. My fiancé’s arm was around me. I was wearing a blue sundress, a yellow sweater, and beige flats. As I talked to my fiancé, the man grabbed my right breast and said, “that’s what you get”. My fiancé and I berated him, but ultimately, I deescalated the situation because I “didn’t want to cause a scene” and “ruin” my friends’ party. In retrospect, I should’ve caused a scene, and if anyone was at fault for ruining the party, it was that man.
So, in summary, yes, I definitely know what it’s like to be groped and violated. Most women do, and you’d never know it because we have been groomed since birth to stay silent, think that it was somehow our fault, or that it’s just not a big deal. Some of the political rhetoric we’ve been hearing this election is the latest embodiment of this pervasive social practice.
Lastly, we should not have to publicly tell these stories for people to take what happens to women in this country seriously. We are#notapoliticaldistraction. This also isn’t a matter of opinion or politics. If you think a woman’s safety, well-being, and life are “not a priority”, you are at worst a terrible human being or at best woefully uninformed. It’s 2016 and we make up over 50% of the United States population. It’s about time for us to be treated with the dignity and respect we deserve as human beings.
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For statistics on violence against women visit:
If you want to read diverse perspectives from other women about these kinds of things and more, I encourage you to check out the following social media pages and online publications (in no particular order and not comprehensive):
Everyday Feminism, B*tch Media, Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls, Ms. Magazine, Autostraddle, Jezebel, Nalgona Positivity Pride, Black Girl Dangerous (BGD), The Middle Eastern Feminist, Ni Una Menos, Women’s Rights News, Dismantle Misogyny, La Feminista Descolonial, Voces Feminista, Latina Feminista, Latina Rebels, Indigemama, National Indigenous Women’s Resource Center, The Asian Feminist
Need help? Visit RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Online Hotline or the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s website.