Twenty Classic Novels (As Onion Headlines)

Twenty Classic Novels (As Onion Headlines)
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  1. 1984: Totalitarianism is strong, but lust is temporarily stronger.
  2. All The King’s Men: Rich people would prefer to stay that way.
  3. Anna Karenina: Romantic Passion psychologically destabilizing to everyone even peripherally involved.
  4. Beloved: Slavery is so terrifying, ghosts seem less so.
  5. The Brothers Karamazov: Everyone falls in love with the wrong person, until existentialism disgraces the family.
  6. Catch-22: Man realizes war is either absurdity or death. Chooses former.
  7. The Catcher and the Rye: Privileged white teenager is about as insightful as you’d expect
  8. Crime and Punishment: Homicide proves more stressful than murderer premeditated.
  9. Fight Club: Myriad mental health disorders prove good metaphors for capitalism.
  10. Gone With the Wind: Woman with unladylike ambitions somehow spared by Sherman.
  11. Great Expectations: Kindness is occasionally lucrative.
  12. The Great Gatsby: Money can’t buy man love, but it almost does.
  13. Les Miserables: Student led Revolution proves less effective than teenagers hoped.
  14. Lolita: Pedophile rationalizes behavior with pretentious amount of multi-syllabic words.
  15. Lord of the Flies: Elementary School even more terrifying than you remember it.
  16. On the Road: Man strung out on everything won’t stop talking about his gap year.
  17. The Picture of Dorian Gray: Gay man so afraid to come out of the closet he conducts a love affair with a painting.
  18. Pride and Prejudice: Woman rejects suitor. Reconsiders after touring his property.
  19. Things Fall Apart: White People are very rarely a welcome addition to anywhere.
  20. Wuthering Heights: Man reacts very poorly to being friendzoned.

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